Monthly Archives: January 2018

Carbage Can


As I’ve noted before, there are some products where it’s obvious the creator thought of the name before creating the product, and Carbage Can is one of those.

BeauBog enlargement cream


Not only does boob-get-bigger cream not work in general, but one customer reports she had to go to the hospital after having an allergic reaction to the “all-natural ingredients” of BeauBog.

Also, BoyfriendSwamp is a terrible name for a product.

(The competing products, such as Standard Women’s Breast Cream, Bella Natural Herbal Breast, BUSTMAXX, Slim Extreme 4D Bust Enhancing Serum, and Big Bust Up Breast Oil are reviewed similarly poorly, but I’m including them here because of their names.)

Scooby Doo Memes


The trudge through this culture’s recycled content continues, with “101+ Scooby Doo Memes” as just one example of an e-collection of downloaded jpegs which have been chucked onto Amazon in an attempt to monetize intellectual property dating back to the 1960s, or in the case of “101+ Pacman Memes,” 1980. You can even find recycled content from as recent as 2012, as with this December 2017-published title, “Hilarious Rages Comics,” featuring the ten or fifteen old drawings of people having emotions that were popular a few years ago.

The people who know what any of this is or what it means would likely not drop three bucks on a Kindle e-book, as they’ve already seen it and know where to get more, but the march continues onward, with no end in sight.

BrilliantPad, the self-cleaning dog pad


The premise of BrilliantPad is that you can train your dog to pee and crap on the pad, and then the machine sucks the turds and pee-soaked pad into one end, rolling it up, and pulling out a fresh pad from the other side. Disregarding the price of the unit itself, the rolls cost around $25-30 each, and though, suspiciously, none of the glowing five-star reviews mention how long they last, one critical review of a guy with two small dogs says they last “1-2 weeks.”

Even though this seems like the most expensive way to possibly deal with your dog’s output, it’s at least better than PetSafe Pet Loo, a system that saves and stores your dog’s urine in a large tray, and whose users say their dogs won’t pee on it, won’t even stand on it, and chew up the astroturf on top.

Power Toothpaste


Power Toothpaste is caffeinated toothpaste, which contains 67.4mg of caffeine per milliliter. A milliliter is the recommended amount of toothpaste they suggest you use per brush. The caffeine is intended to be absorbed through the tissues in your mouth (your sublingual space, gums, tongue, and cheeks.)

While they haven’t done any clinical studies to measure how much caffeine is absorbed in this way, even if you were to absorb all 67.4mg from your brushing, you would not, as they claim, be energized “like a cup of coffee.” A twenty-ounce coffee at most coffee shops contains between 300-500 mg of caffeine, depending on what beans are used and how it’s brewed.

It’s easy to brew coffee at home, for that matter, or to buy caffeine supplements if you don’t like coffee. But comparing apples and oranges in an attempt to sell bananas is just a small part of the situation we’re in, here, hurtling through the vacuum of space.

Adulting Tea


“Adulting is hard,” begins the copy on the back of this canister of tea, insultingly. But that’s what you’ve got to do if you want to sell fifteen tea bags for $18.99. You’ve got to target a demographic, use their slang to show you’re a member of their group, and mark your product up relentlessly.

Do they also have a flavor called “Wake The F**k Up”? Of course they do. Same price.

Daddy is Coming


I’m not sure this mug was the best Game Of Thrones derivative you could have made. I feel like there were other ways to put fatherhood and Game Of Thrones into a venn diagram without yielding this particular phrasing.

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