The SteakChamp is a $59 thermometer you stab into your steak, and it flashes when you’ve cooked your steak to the desired doneness. You’ll need one per steak, making this a $200 investment if you’re serving four. It might cost you even more, since they’re not adjustible, so you’ll need a couple each of rare, medium-rare, medium, and medium-well SteakChamps if you’re planning on SteakChamping your steaks all four ways.

There’s an existing version of this concept that costs $9 for a four-pack (the Charcoal Companion Button Steak Thermometers.) Beyond that, learning to control the heat and timing of the food you’re cooking trumps any gadget you might buy. But this is a world whose economy is bolstered by convincing us that skills are too much work, and that the goods we consume are the one true way to a life well lived. Our ingenuity, we’re told, is just a way for us to cheap out on buying the good stuff. Our techniques and traditions are too time-consuming and cerebral to compete with a stock image of a smiling face next to a piece of trash we have to buy to live a complete life. Our time is stolen and sold back to us as convenience. Our health is stolen and sold back to us as pills. And at the end of it, we still fight with each other, endlessly, to the last moment. Not for truth, happiness, or love, but to get more crap.

SteakChamp.

How about an entire cabin, for the price of a pretty nice car? Like, a really pretty decent car?

And…. you’ve gotta put it together yourself? (The manufacturer suggests it will take a week to do so.)

The upside is that it has free shipping.

This block of rubber is meant to let you simulate squeezing pus out of pimples. It’s refillable, just like the slightly more-expensive product it’s knocking off, Pop It Pal.

For the low, low price of over a thousand dollars, you can have a filing cabinet AND a keyboard. Not just one of them, but both. You’re probably asking, “how can they offer such a great deal?” I have no idea, because at the time of writing, this other filing cabinet they sell costs over $17,000.

The best kind of dod raises a broncos. Can’t argue with that.

Forktula is a spatula you attach to your fork, so you can, in the manufacturer’s words, “lick your plate in public.” They have, unfortunately, done nothing to address the problem of attaching the end of a spatula to a fork in public, and using it to scrape food residue into your mouth.

This modified Sharpie marker allows you to “hide your money, pills, or other valuables in plain sight.” You know, if your valuables fit inside of half of a sharpie marker, and you’ve got some way to fish them out after you cram them in there, and you weren’t able to pull the top off a regular Sharpie yourself to begin with. (The reviews are, thankfully, as bad as you’d expect.)