Wow, Jan. No need to brag.

According to NASA, there are fewer than 100 active astronauts right now, which is a pretty small target market. But, hey. If you’re an astronaut, why not brag around the perimeter of your license plate?

An Orgone Pyramid is a blob of plastic resin with crap inside of it. This one has little bits of steel shavings, sand, quartz, and amethyst mixed into the resin. It’s about 4″ high and costs insanely more than a four-inch plastic pyramid should.

The iStun is a “stun gun” with a sticker on the front to make it look kind of like an iPhone. Unlike a tazer, a stun gun’s blunt probes won’t work through clothing or let you be anywhere except next to your assailant, physically touching his skin with your fake iPhone. But maybe it makes you feel better, just by having it in your pocket, even if you don’t use it. So maybe it’s a lot like an iPhone after all.

“Love Is Art” is a $60-ish kit consisting of a piece of fabric and a bottle of paint. You put the paint on you and your partner’s body, fuck on the canvas, let it dry, and then hang it up. Then, probably, if you’re the kind of person who thinks this is cool, whenever someone asks, you smile creepily and say “That print was made by making love.”

Or, if you’re not a weirdo, you try it out of being a good sport and find that the paint dries fast and doesn’t come off your body, leaving you scrubbing your body and screaming in the shower like this reviewer (2 stars out of 5.)

It’s covered in a poop-emoji print. It has a poop emoji on top. It farts. And in the upper-right corner, it simply says “POOP,” for no discernible reason.

Do you love cephalopods AND America? You do? Well, it sounds like we may have just found… (slowly puts on foam hat) The Best Thing For Sale.