“Elf Bowling: The Movie” costs $3.79, but even at this price, it has mostly bad reviews. It’s based off the 1998 video game “Elf Bowling,” for some reason.

It’s free to watch on Amazon Prime Instant Video, in case you have an Amazon Prime membership & want to murder 82 minutes of your life. I do not suggest this, because I watched it, and the only good part was the teaser at the end for “Elf Bowling 2: The Great Pumpkin Heist,” which, thankfully, was never actually made.

“Boobies!” is a $65 jar that has moss in it, and a tiny figurine of a woman lifting her shirt. I’ve blurred it here, but you can see it on the product listing.

For only $770.01, you not only get a swinging outdoor bed, but an insane run-on-sentence title. (Check out the actual name of the product, for real.)

From the makers of Vagina Toaster (Yellow) comes Penis Toaster. I had to blur the picture because we live in a censorship hellscape, but you can see the unblurred version on the product listing if you must.

“Jebediah has a secret  [...] that will send his people into space.” So begins the promotional copy of Amish Vampires In Space, and goes downhill from there. The intrepid can read some of it in the “Look Inside” link, though I don’t recommend it.

For less than $40, you can crush your spout AND your spigot in the “Master Series P&T Crusher.” It’s made of clear plastic so you can see your organs silently, painfully agonize as you abuse them.

Finally, you can wear a great lunch food on your head with Hot Dog Hat, the $6.95 accessory of your dreams. If that’s not quite doing it for you, try Hamburger Hat or Pizza Hat, by the same manufacturer.