If you buy caffeinated popcorn, either you’re eating popcorn for breakfast, or you’re slamming pure caffeine to your face at night while you watch a movie. Maybe that’s how you live though. Backing into parking spaces, checking out with more than 15 items in the express lane… the dangerous life.

In case you’re unable to use your hands to squish ground beef into a hot-dog-sized rectangle, the Ham Dogger is here to save your day. Suffer no more in this cruel world where only hot dogs fit into hot dog buns.

Unless, of course, you’re this poor fellow, who not only was unable to get the Ham Dogger to dog his ham, but fell short of the Amazon-required 20-word minimum for reviews and was required to pad it by complaining about the minimum word count.

The Toydozer, according to the manufacturer, is a “unique design” enabling kids to clean up Legos. It’s $14.99. It also happens to be almost the same exact shape and size as the plastic box and lid that several Lego sets come in:

I wonder where they got the idea.

“Now That’s What I Call Music” is up to its 3,489th numbered edition. It’s been a constant source of revulsion for music fans since the first edition was released in 1998 with Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Aqua, and Marcy Playground tracks. But I didn’t really have anything specifically horrible from this series to show you until I found “Now That’s What I Call Shrek.”

This horrible device plays Christmas songs through a speaker when you unfurl your toilet-paper. That is, it would if it worked. One angry customer wrote “It product is very bad. I don’t like is bad.” If you want to see what the target market for this product types like when they’re mad, there are six other reviews.

I used to have a coworker who would tap his pencils. Not while he was thinking, because he was never thinking, but for hours, for fun. These drumstick pencils are just encouraging others like him to continue with their tapping. Tap tap tap tap tap. It’s morse code for “you hate working here.” Tap tap tap.

The only thing worse would be a desk toy that makes drum sounds with a tinny speaker. Of course, such a terrible thing exists, and I hope that your local pencil-drummer doesn’t read this, or he’ll have it overnighted to work so he can play it as soon as possible.

This watermelon knife cuts watermelon! Then again, so does any other knife.

The same company sells a cantaloupe knife and a pineapple knife, which are almost identical to the watermelon knife. But why spend $19 when you could spend $57?!