I wish there were an object you could get for cheap that smelled like wood and looked like a stick, for dogs to play with. Until some day when that mystical “real stick from any tree” shows up, we’ll have to use the $15 Petstages Durable Stick.

Customers note that the premise of this thing doesn’t even hold up – it seems that many dogs can easily gnaw the Durable Stick to shreds and eat it.
 

I believe in cheese graters too, because they’re real, and I have one in my kitchen. It’s not something you have to have a lot of faith in. Maybe you’re different, though, and you need this flag to prove to your neighbors that you don’t deny the grating of cheese. It’ll go well with your “I Believe In Bingo” flag. And your “I Believe In Grapefruit” flag. Hey, maybe you live next to a cigar skeptic, and you want to let him know: Cigars are real, and I believe in them, and my flag agrees with me.

Why waste those precious calories moving your hand and mouth around when you could hold this motorized ice cream cone up to your stupid face and smoosh the ice cream into it automatically? After all, if there’s one thing we need in the year 2019, it’s all the calories we can get.

This double umbrella looks like two umbrellas side-by-side. It’s perfect for any couple who wants to go somewhere in the rain but doesn’t want to touch each other, as they might have to do if they just used a regular umbrella.

Easyboner.

(Thanks to @mimismartypants for the tip.)

This DNA testing kit for dogs ($65) lets you send in a cheek swab from your dog to let you know what you should be doing to “make him happier and healthier.” Here, let me save you the money: Give him dog food and let him shit outside.

If there’s anyone you should take medical advice from, it’s a man who calls himself “Commander X.” He’s one of the authors of Morgellons: Level 5 Plague Of The New World Order. The CDC has classified Morgellons as a type of delusional parasitosis, but don’t let that keep you from making money by spreading the insane fear that colored fibers are growing out of your skin because of the government, Commander.