Monthly Archives: June 2019

How To Rap


The book “How To Rap” provides the answer to your question “How do I say words at the same time as a beat?” The answer is that you say words at the same time & you make them rhyme. You wouldn’t have figured that out from listening to rap, of course. The book is full of quotes from rappers that amount to “Sometimes I use things from my real life and sometimes I make things up.”

For those more willing to read a book than listen to rap and practice rapping, there is How To Rap 2. Which gives such amazing advice as “sometimes you can mix singing and rapping”, and “Grunt, laugh, and make miscellaneous sounds.” Somewhere, someone in the world is reading this book and thinking “Damn! I didn’t know I could grunt on a rap song! Finally, my rap career is going to take off!”

Fluorescent Green Toilet Paper


Regular toilet paper is white, meaning that it will match any color or combination of colors you use in your bathroom. But maybe you’re tired of seeing brown butt-dirt on that clean white paper, and you need a different color to offset what you didn’t digest. That’s an OK feeling to have, because feelings are natural. Just be prepared to pay a lot for a three-pack of your green toilet paper, and also for me to say your natural feelings are stupid.

Sorry. If you wanted to be a teacher or you wanted to learn to paint I’d tell you to go for it.

Pet Pee


The PetZoom, a tray with a porous pad on top, lets your dog urinate inside of the house. It’s a great way to get your dog used to pissing inside the house. It holds up to a gallon of liquid, so it’s also a great way to keep a gallon of dog piss in a shallow tray on your floor.

FakeTV: The Fake TV


The FakeTV ($32) is a box you plug in when you’re on vacation, so it looks like someone’s home and watching television. It displays different flickering light patterns, so from outside, it looks like the television is on. (You can click through to see what the actual unit looks like, but I wanted to include the manufacturer’s illustration above for aesthetic reasons.)

The only way the FakeTV would look more realistic is if it also played some sound, that sounded like television sound. If only we could get something for our home that would make television sound and display pictures. Like… I don’t know… a television.

The Cat’s Happy Habitat


“Happy Habitat” is a great name for this cat tent. Anything named “Happy House” or “Happy Home” means it’s small and depressing, and the Happy Habitat does not disappoint. It’s a tent, which you put outdoors, and then you put your indoor cat into the tent.

The picture I used above is supplied by the manufacturer, by the way. A cat lady outside in the yard, with a mad cat in a tent walking around like he will never drink enough water to make enough urine to show you how he feels about the tent. I strongly recommend that you go past this tip of the iceberg and look at the 37 (YES, THIRTY-SEVEN) customer images available for the Happy Habitat Cat Detention Camp.

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Contact drew at or tweet him @TWTFSale.