I thought I’d take a moment to write my own x-rated fortune cookies, because these aren’t very “x-rated”, and they’re not funny. If it were up to me:

Tonight, a mysterious presence will crank you off.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a hog-crank.

You will soon embark on a magnificent journey, on a bus, so you don’t have to drive, so you can crank it.

Fortune favors the hog.

Crank the hog while it is still hot.

You can click through to see what they actually say, but I’ll warn you: mine are better.

What is “Earthing”? It’s a medical hoax that purports to cure your ailments by connecting you electrically to earth. This is a conductive mat which comes with a huge alternative-medicine price tag, and like most hoax products, it’s made out of about five bucks’ worth of plastic and wire. You plug it into your wall socket, where it connects to the ground plug, and then the magic starts.

If you’re convinced that this isn’t horseshit, you can read the book “Earthing: The most important health discovery ever?” The answer to that is probably no, but maybe you’re really gullible, and you want to get an even more expensive Earthing sheet set for your bed, and nail your ass to the ground while you sleep.

Some light from m’lamp, m’lady?

The answer, sadly, is yes. The “26.2″ you see on cars (in magnet form here), which is the length in miles of a standard marathon, was trademarked in 2008. It’s registered as a “standard character mark,” meaning that you cannot print the number 26.2 in any form on athletic wear (including shoes) or car stickers/magnets without violating the trademark.

I could spend all day in the “numbers that are illegal to use” rabbit hole, so I’ll leave you with just one more: NASCAR has a registered trademark for the number 3.

If you’ve been wondering what’s worse than Perfect Polly, the fake bird that turns its head and chirps, the answer is Polly The Insulting Parrot. It’s triggered by sound and says things like “I’m going to rip off your head and shit down your neck.” There’s definitely a demographic in this world for a toy that screams “fuck” and “tits” through a tiny speaker, but I’m guessing you’re not in it, if you can read well enough to get this far into a paragraph.

“Healing Is Voltage” is an insane treatise by quack doctor Jerry Tennant, who claims that cells operate within certain voltage ranges, and that we must measure the voltage of our organs, and apply external voltage to them to treat our diseases. Considering the book begins with a rambling 10+ page prologue complaining about Microsoft Word, the Oxford comma, Adobe, the separation of church and state, Wikipedia, boxing, the Constitution, and the Boy Scouts (hit the Look Inside link if you want to read it for yourself) you can safely assume it to be quackery.

Also, there’s the small detail that -20mV, which he claims to be “healthy”, is a lot lower than the electrochemical potential across the membrane of any functioning human cell. And cells have to maintain this gradient by using ATP to transfer cations (not electrons, as he claims.) But you probably don’t actually need an actual biochemical explanation of why alternative medicine is insane.

“Shawty, lemme clone that pussy,” the rapper autotune-sang into the studio microphone. “Let me clone it.” The track ended, and he shook his head. It just didn’t have the je ne sais quoi of his last #1 hit, “I’ma Fuck Your Inflatable Grandma.”