The Go Plate is a plastic plate that fits over a beer bottle, to theoretically make it easier to eat an enormous bowl of food and drink a bottle of beer while you’re standing up. The practical solution to this is multiple trips to the food line, or a table, or a ledge, or sitting down, or anything.

Capitalism being what it is, if you feel this plate-and-drink setup is somehow optimal, but you drink wine, fear not: there is Wine’n'Dine, a one-handed plastic contraption that holds both food and a glass of wine. There’s even Gourmet Acacia Wood Cocktail Plates, which is a wooden version of Wine’n'Dine, with an accordingly more-expensive price tag, and charming photos of a snack consisting of eight grapes and two cubes of cheese.

And finally, for the person who prefers quantity over quality, there is this 2-quart galvanized-steel funnel into which you can pour any soft food, and/or any combination of liquids, to ensure a perfect party experience. Just dump your edibles and drinkables into the funnel, and straight down it goes, foie-gras style, a half-gallon at a time. This is how we party. We out here.

“Perfect for your Jewish dog,” states the manufacturer. This Dog-Pope outfit is probably also equally perfect for your Catholic dog, if that’s how you look at religion, and dogs, and dog clothing. The look on the face of this third dog, forced to wear a tiny sombrero, sums up my reluctance to say anything further on the topic.

If you contained the sum of all human knowledge and were a way to communicate with every person that exists and is still alive then maybe I would.

On the other hand, this shirt wants me to walk into a pole.

“Don’t worry about being descrete (sic),” says the manufacturer of The Ball Lifter, “there is nothing embarrassing about wearing the ball lifter.” I guess I agree, but not if you’re only wearing the ball lifter and nothing else.

It’s possible that a dollar’s worth of metal cable make an okay skewer for grilling. It’s just that when every single one of your reviews says that you gave them the product in exchange for a review, it seems like they might not actually be good.

We’ve already solved the problem of “where do I put my wine outside?” It’s called an outside table. Not a set of stakes you hammer into the ground and balance your wineglass on. Yeah, it technically works, but so does a plastic cup. If you’re into photoshopped pictures, though, you might want to take a peek at the 4 adults all using the same iPad together, on the beach, while the wine stakes crookedly hold their glasses of red wine.

For the people who think Easy Mac is too hard, there’s now the Rapid Mac Cooker. (From the makers of Rapid Ramen Cooker, obviously.)

If “less than 5 minutes” is still too much time and effort for your quasi-food, then you might want to hang up a macaroni & cheese air-freshener and call it a day.