The Hyperlip is a plastic ring you wedge in your mouth to keep your mouth hanging open. Why? The manufacturer doesn’t explain, but notes it’s a “great conversation starter.” It’s worth a peek for the picture of the old guy wearing one, if nothing else.

You can put a hat on a ferret. Ain’t against the law. Sure.

You can put a leash on a guinea pig. Ain’t no one gonna have fun, but, go for it.

The one thing you can’t do is put a leash on a ferret and take it outside. Soon as you cross that threshold, you just got a damn weasel on a rope.

“My Two Holes” would be your standard-issue fleshy spectacle. Except for the hands with the long claw-like nails, angrily pulling it apart as if to destroy it. And the picture of the thing with a bunch of jizz on it.

“On the pillow we purchased the Boobs are touching,” writes a reviewer of this titty-pillow, for whom titty-geometry seems a matter of importance. Were he an astute shopper, he would have bought this combo of penis-pillow, titty-pillow, penis-slippers, and titty-slippers for half the price. But for my money, the plush stuffed uterus is the best bang for your buck. Maybe it’s cause it has a face, or maybe it’s because it has a matching sperm cell.

Bunchems are plastic balls covered with Velcro-like hooks. They might be fun to play with, but according to the customer reviews, the main thing that happens with them is that they get tangled in childrens’ hair. The same parents who have written dozens of bad reviews keep posting pics of their childrens’ hair tangled with dozens of Bunchems, in case you think I’m exaggerating.

What could be more american than a hamburger? A hamburger pressed into the shape of the USA, using a plastic mold which was made in China.

“For masturbation,” says the manufacturer, and given the box art and name “Sexual Lubricant With High School Girl’s Smell,” you wouldn’t think differently. If we’re picking Japanese masturbation aids by name alone, though, I’d go for Ride Horny Addicted Breeze.

(The image has been blurred in case you’re at work. I’m sure you get the idea and don’t need to see the unblurred art, but the same goes for the not-safe-for-work “Saliva Lotion Of High School Girls.”)