Like a marine whose first order of business at chow is to stir all of his meal’s components into a homogeneous stew on his tray, the instinct to combine separately-edible components into a murky displeasure continues to defy our growing culinary culture. Oreos, chocolate, and bacon are all relatively cheap and delightful pleasures on their own, but together, they somehow cost five dollars per cookie. Not per package. Per cookie.

For sheer cultural grossness, though, you can’t beat “Chanukah Bundle,” an eighty-dollar assortment of bacon products seemingly aiming to corner the anti-semitic bacon market.  

The HyperChiller lets you cool a cup of hot coffee so you can drink it cold, which its manufacturers claim is “perfect iced coffee.” This is, of course, untrue. It will taste like coffeemaker coffee which you’ve neglected.

The reason that real iced coffee tastes good is because it’s brewed as toddy – cold water is used, and the flavors are extracted from the coffee grounds over 24 hours, yielding a coffee that tastes better and has a lower acid content. (You can use an actual “toddy maker” to do this if you want, but you can also mix the grounds and water into a plastic pitcher, and filter them into a second pitcher the next day with a regular coffee filter.)

If you’re wondering why regular brewed coffee tastes okay when it’s hot, but not cold, it’s because the bitter compounds extracted in the brewing process are less detectable by your taste buds when the coffee’s hot. Coffee also releases more aromatic compounds when it’s hot, causing the pleasant smell of the coffee to become proportionally stronger in comparison to its bitterness. The HyperChiller, in other words, has been specifically designed to ruin coffee.

“Pocket Pets” sounds like a line of toys, but it’s actually a plastic tube that you use to carry a cockroach around with you. The manufacturer helpfully includes a picture of a smiling child with a cockroach, to imply that it’s not actually disgusting to have a child carry around an agent of pestilence, unleashing the rapidly-multiplying germ-carrier wherever he or she pleases.

I’d seen these beard-hats online before, and didn’t write them up here because I thought, “well, those are just gifts, no one would actually wear one.” Then I saw someone yesterday walking down High Street wearing one, and realized that some people actually do. Unsurprisingly, people who bought this fucking hat also bought this axe and this sword.

The manufacturer describes this as “Interest Sharing Anus Bolt,” and I guess they’re right, in the same way that a volcano is a “mountain fountain,” or a compass is a “magnet arrow.”

What does your living room need to achieve peak coziness? A 26″ wide wall-sticker of an elderly woman hitting a prescription inhaler. Obviously.

To fill the gap in the market between the egg tray that uses wi-fi to tell you whether or not you have eggs left, and the egg carton that comes with your goddamned eggs for free, there is now “Egg Holder for Counter-top,” the strip of wood with twelve egg-sized holes.