Peanut Butter & Jelly Of The Month

For only $215, you can join the Peanut Butter & Jelly Of The Month Club. I love peanut butter & jelly, admittedly, but I think that’s mostly because I can use the same Jif and Smuckers that I ate as a kid. Spreading ten bucks’ worth of artisanal hand-ground african peanut crumble onto a piece of bread with ten bucks’ worth of single-origin orange mumbleberry preserves just wouldn’t trigger the part of my brain that remembers what life was like before pimples and driving.

The ad copy says (among other things) that you can’t live without this subscription, and if that’s true, then turn on my webcam to watch me die, melt me down in a giant microwave, and pour my dead ass into a jar labeled “Didn’t subscribe to PB&J.”