Man glitter isn’t a bag full of sawdust. Man glitter is when a man wearing one of these whips a handful of real, tiny, sparkly glitter into the air at a party, laughing hysterically as he imagines you, four years later, trying to vacuum one of those very pieces of glitter out of your living-room carpet.

The perfect gift for the man who doesn’t believe women should have control over their own bodies, and is willing to murder a child to defend that belief.  

This little device is more of a lampshade than a lamp, since you clip it over your phone’s LED light, and then turn the light on. (Here’s what it looks like when it’s turned on.) Of course, you’ll need to plug your phone in while you use it, to keep from draining the battery, and that’s where LampChamp comes in. What is life in 2016 without turning your phone into a lamp and then powering your phone from a second lamp?

The WineOvation is a gun. It’s an electric wine opener. It’s pink “because it’s for girls.” I would have probably called it Cabernet Shootingun, but what do I know.

Charming as sixty seconds of streaming video, and surprisingly uninteresting for 26 straight minutes on DVD, Nora The Piano Cat is a cat who, technically, plays piano. If you’re going to drop a few bucks on bad piano playing, you should probably go with the H. Jon Benjamin jazz album, whose conceit is that HJB doesn’t know how to play piano, but does anyway.

Of all the things you could bring back from the 1990s, JNCO jeans are perhaps the worst. This isn’t a third-party seller getting rid of twenty-year-old deadstock pants, either. They’re being made again, new, in several styles, for people who could have been conceived by someone wearing JNCOs in the 90s, and born inside of them nine months later, sliding down the enormous leghole to the guitar crunch of Ozzfest, umbilical cord clamped shut with butterfly clips, doomed by society to wear the same foul pants twenty years later.

I wrote this book in 2005 and it’s now worth $0.01 a copy (used), according to the invisible hand of the free market.

My 2011 book Married To The Sea? Also $0.01, used.

Maybe people finally figured out that a decade’s worth of Toothpaste For Dinner and Married To The Sea comics are online for free.