I didn’t make up that title. The manufacturer actually sells it as “Super Cheap Jerky Gun That Might Break On You.” Along with a handful of apostrophied plurals, they seem to be making some kind of point in their listing of the item, though I’m not entirely sure what that point might be.

Pjur Espresso is a lube which contains a small amount of caffeine. It’s doubtful you would absorb enough caffeine from it through your skin or mucous membranes to feel the typical effects of ingesting caffeine (and reports say that it’s especially bitter-tasting, if you’re planning on chugging it.) Like most non-edible caffeinated products, it doesn’t do what you’re hoping it would do, and is both more expensive and less pleasant than drinking a coffee or a soda.

I did find one topical caffeine product, though, which has scientifically-proven data to back up its claims: caffeine shampoo can induce a small increase in hair growth, per an article in the British Journal of Dermatology. So Alpecin Shampoo, which contains 5000mg of caffeine in its tiny 250mL (approx 8-fl. oz) bottles, can blast your hair follicles with an enormous dose of caffeine without very much of it entering your bloodstream. The average cup of coffee contains 100-150mg of caffeine, which means that if a significant amount of it DID enter your bloodstream through your scalp, you’d suffer an acute caffeine overdose from using Alpecin.

This is the same reason why caffeinated soap doesn’t work very well (here’s my previous writeup, if you’re curious as to how much caffeine you actually absorb through your skin, and how long it takes.)

It’s not a BRACELET, mom! It’s a leather cuff full of knives! It’s bad ass!

Sorry. I’m sorry I said ass.

Sorry. I meant I’m sorry I said the a-word. Twice.

The Lap Mug is designed to be held in your lap, between your legs (see the manufacturer’s in-use picture for how, I guess, it’s meant to be used.) It would be a great idea, except you can also put a flat-bottomed mug on your lap, and you can set that on a table when it’s full without spilling.

The motorcyclist pulled up next to my car and tapped on my window. I rolled it down. Leaning back onto the bike, he swung his leg up, propping his heel on the handlebar. Then he held eye contact with me, wordlessly, as he pulled his road jeans up slowly, inch by inch, until the sock’s FUCK OFF! message was revealed. I nodded, and satisfied, he sat back, revved his loud machine, and farted away.

Demographically targeted at people who “fucking love science” but don’t love it enough to have learned anything about it, the Periodic BeEr Glass points out that two unrelated elements spell the word beer if you put their periodic-table entries next to each other. The Periodic LuNCH Box does the same, with different elements, for the same reason.

Instead of an explanation of why finding patterns in letters isn’t relevant to science, I’ll point out something mildly interesting: you can buy a tiny amount of erbium (Er) online if you want it for some reason. It’s worth around $5 a gram in bulk. Lutetium, the “Lu” in LuNCH Box, is worth around $340 a gram, roughly ten times the price of gold, and is rare enough that it’s not commonly resold to people online who just want a vial of it for some reason. But the most expensive element in the world right now is the radioactive isotope Californium-252. Only eight grams total of this element have been refined since its discovery in 1950, and each one of those eight grams is worth around $27,000,000.00.

Of course, if you just want something radioactive, you can buy a chunk of radioactive uranium oxide for twenty bucks.

Describing this as “(Not For Cocaine)”  is a nice way to ensure your paraphernalia visible for the keywords cocaine and snorting. I wonder if the old “do you have something to put in here” works for cocaine accessories, too.

I mean… not-for-cocaine accessories.