Jerky is the worst thing you could do to meat. So it stands to bear that the soybean, a legume which could be turned into tofu, miso, soy milk, edamame, soy sauce, or any number of wonderful foods, would be turned into horrible turd in an attempt to “jerky” it. That’s the case with this eight-dollar bag of inedible salty cardboard. 

Fortunately, unlike some of the customers, I was able to eat it, and it didn’t come as a single overgrown lump of mold (check the customer pics in the reviews if you want to see what this would look like.)

“For masturbation,” says the manufacturer, and given the box art and name “Sexual Lubricant With High School Girl’s Smell,” you wouldn’t think differently. If we’re picking Japanese masturbation aids by name alone, though, I’d go for Ride Horny Addicted Breeze.

(The image has been blurred in case you’re at work. I’m sure you get the idea and don’t need to see the unblurred art, but the same goes for the not-safe-for-work “Saliva Lotion Of High School Girls.”)

“Do not buy,” warns the seller of this broken soup bowl. Not a problem, right? Well, some asshole bought it anyway & left a review.

What could be more american than a hamburger? A hamburger pressed into the shape of the USA, using a plastic mold which was made in China.

Some people, the day after a tragedy, feel sad. Some people feel angry. Some people talk, some people stay silent. But only the true pieces of shit think, “how can I make money off the mass-murder of others?” That’s where the France Paris Attacks Pray For Paris Peace shirt, above, comes in. Gotta make sure you hit all those SEO keywords to max out your murder money! Also see: DLQUEEN Men’s Pray For Paris, Women’s Paris Pray, and the weirdly-gruesome “My Thoughts Go To All French People Tonight” toddler-sized shirt for 2-to-6-year olds. Who is putting a shirt on their 2-year-old to celebrate the murder of over a hundred people?

Also, if you want a hint as to how fast people rush to stake their claim in this wretched market: the “PRAR FOR PARIS” (sic) shirt shows that these pieces of shit don’t even bother to double-check before they slam the design online.

I guess it’s technically possible to keep a hissing cockroach as a pet, but putting it on a leash so you can “take it for a walk” seems like it might be about establishing an identity for yourself instead of exercising your bug. Especially since you can see in the other pictures that the company drilled a hole in the cockroach to permanently attach the chain to its exoskeleton. 

Bunchems are plastic balls covered with Velcro-like hooks. They might be fun to play with, but according to the customer reviews, the main thing that happens with them is that they get tangled in childrens’ hair. The same parents who have written dozens of bad reviews keep posting pics of their childrens’ hair tangled with dozens of Bunchems, in case you think I’m exaggerating.