Please put me back in the ocean.

Guys? Please? I have a family. In the ocean.

I guess this is where it ends. I never thought it’d be like this.

What do you do when you’re selling clothing to show off your nipples, but you can’t show the nipples in the pictures of the product itself? You enter the uncanny valley, like this, I guess. (I had to blur it here, despite the photoshopping, but you can see it on the product listing.)

I am still just a cat in a cage.

I am still just a fan on a stage.

I am still just a sock with a flame.

I am still just a man with a mane.

This seller is offering three pounds of apples for $19.95 plus shipping. The item’s qualities are described as “JUICY” and “EXCELLENT IN SALADS.” He even goes so far as to assure a potential buyer that “I make very little off three pounds of apples.”

Then again, it’s better than this $413 box of apples that apparently ships in a box of computer parts.

This is a listing for a single, randomly-selected foreign coin. The description refers to “The coin you receive”. Yet, the customer reviews complain that “I feel I was mislead” because the picture shows a pile of coins. That’s what happens when you buy a single coin for three bucks and change instead of a bag of 50 random foreign coins for $11, or a quarter-pound of foreign coins for $9, or an entire pound of them for $19.

None of them are as bad as buying a bunch of North Korean currency, which indirectly supports the most oppressive and horrible nation currently on our planet. Sure, it’s fucked up to wear a shirt that says “I Love North Korea”, but at least the money stays in the hands of a shitty t-shirt business.

As implausible as it sounds, a ripoff book has stepped in to steal the thunder from A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay, a book I wrote about a few months back. This one is called Taken By A Billionaire Dinosaur Part Two: Jurassic Boner. You can “Look Inside” to read a bit of it on the product listing, but why? Just reflect on the phenomenon. This is the world we live in. We’re never leaving this planet. We’re stuck here with the dinosaurs, and they’re rich, and they want to fuck.

“Don’t waste money on a GoPro,” reads the actual title of this item. But if you’re going to go that far, why waste any money at all? Just tape your phone to your forehead. What you’re going to do with it after is anyone’s guess, though it’s probably the same thing you’d do if you had a baseball cap with a smartphone mount on it.