This remote control allows you to “Control A Woman.”

I haven’t eaten edible glitter, because I’ve already sacrificed enough of my health and longevity in the pursuit of sitting in front of a computer fourteen hours a day. But if it’s non-toxic, and indigestible, if you eat glitter, it stands to bear that your next-day trip to the toilet will be covered in turquoise sparkles.

The author of “Wesley Crusher Teenage Fuck Machine” popped into my facebook to call me a “Jew” today. Just an FYI, in case you were holding out on that purchase until you were sure he was the kind of person to use “Jew” as an epithet.

“Can this make toast with regular sized bread? Can it toast bagels?” a customer asked, and the reply came: No. Taco Toaster is “not for anything else but regular sized tortillas.”

Is it faster than Quick Taco? Psh… no… nothing is faster than Quick Taco.

Turd Helmet’s 2009 album “Greatest Shits” might lead you to believe it’s a one-off theme album about shit, turds, and poop. Nope, they followed it up with 2012′s “Scratch’n'Sniff.” It’s not fair to call it a one-note joke, though, because they also write songs about “titty fucking.”

Hide Shadow, The Skeleton Dog in a snowbank in your yard. As the snow melts in spring, his human skull, old-man hair, and humandog skeleton will be revealed to your neighbors! You’ll all share a laugh and it’ll bring you closer together. They definitely will not call the police.

I guess the Tojoy Front Carrier For Pet Dog/Cat probably works, from a technical standpoint, but also: