They taste far, far worse than you’d think they would. Don’t let the plethora of five-star reviews fool you.

The fun in popping bubble-wrap is the fact that you get to keep going, and going, and going. There are hundreds of bubbles. The repetitive nature of it is soothing. The Bubble Wrap Calendar, on the other hand, contains exactly 365 bubbles, enabling you to pop one single bubble per 24 hours. It’s like a Pringle calendar where you can only eat one a day. Once you pop, you are required to stop.

“i like to eat them cold out of the can,” wrote one reviewer of Swiss Stake, a canned protein-patty product meant to resemble steak, but apparently not allowed by law to use the word “steak” in its name. “Edible, but nothing special,” wrote another. Mmmmm, edible!

If you’ve ever dipped your toe into the horrible world of diet foods, you’ve no doubt run across Walden Farms, the purveyor of “calorie free, sugar free, fat free” sauces and glops. And if you’ve never tried them, do yourself a favor and remain un-Walden Farmed. They’re a combination of artificial flavors, undigestible fiber, artificial color, edible gum, and artificial sweetener. They taste like you’d expect from that list, except worse. Check out the one-star reviews on almost every Walden Farms product to see what other people have to say.

“Password Therapy” is a book which claims if your passwords are phrases which reinforce positive feelings about yourself, your life will improve. Not only did I save you from reading 52 poorly-written pages, but since it’s 2015 and passwords auto-fill, it wouldn’t work anyway.

The regular zentai suits, one-piece spandex garments which cover the wearer’s face, are creepy enough. (Zentai Santa, which I wrote about before, is a good example.) But now there are zentai suits which come with a penis sheath built in, so you can live your life as the boner-bearing Power Ranger you’ve always dreamed of.

I had to blur this out for obvious reasons, but the page shows, eerily, that the model’s stiffy responds differently to the different colors.

For those unwilling to commit to a full-body penis suit, the same manufacturer offers penis-sheath shorts, describing them as “unisex.”

You may have seen Food Babe posts pop up on your friends’ Facebook walls, giving you dire warnings about toxins in your food, or beer that “contains antifreeze.” (“Toxins” are a fake idea, and there’s no antifreeze in beer, just to clear that up.) The socially responsible thing for our society to do would be to prevent her from making a career out of spreading misinformation, but since our society is not socially responsible, her new book is the #1 best seller in Nutrition.

She’s paid by companies who push organic/”non-GMO” foods to write articles warning readers of the largely non-existent dangers in eating food which has been genetically-modified. (Of course, breeding animals or vegetables for desired traits is also a form of genetic modification that’s been happening since the beginning of agriculture.) And she repeatedly threatens companies with petitions and boycotts for using “chemical additives” which have been repeatedly shown to be safe in amounts much larger than what’s used in food.

But fear will always win over nuance, and profit will always triumph over science and knowledge.