Call them “monster popsicles” if you want. We all know what you’re gonna do with ‘em once they freeze.

“Porn For Women” is a book that implies that women don’t actually want to have sex, or read about sex, or see erotic pictures. Nope, it’s a single joke, repeated over and over, that women want men to do chores, and then they want to reward men for the chores by fucking them, as an exchange of value. Progressive AND hilarious.

Just because two words sort of fit together, it doesn’t mean the result is going to be a good product. The Sportula exists as proof.

If you’ve been wondering what’s worse than Perfect Polly, the fake bird that turns its head and chirps, the answer is Polly The Insulting Parrot. It’s triggered by sound and says things like “I’m going to rip off your head and shit down your neck.” There’s definitely a demographic in this world for a toy that screams “fuck” and “tits” through a tiny speaker, but I’m guessing you’re not in it, if you can read well enough to get this far into a paragraph.

Magical oils are usually pretty bad overall, but I challenge you to find worse than Road Opener, a magic oil you use to reduce the amount of traffic while you’re driving.

The answer, sadly, is yes. The “26.2″ you see on cars (in magnet form here), which is the length in miles of a standard marathon, was trademarked in 2008. It’s registered as a “standard character mark,” meaning that you cannot print the number 26.2 in any form on athletic wear (including shoes) or car stickers/magnets without violating the trademark.

I could spend all day in the “numbers that are illegal to use” rabbit hole, so I’ll leave you with just one more: NASCAR has a registered trademark for the number 3.

“This Is Not A Product,” says the seller of this item, and I guess that’s fair enough.