What is “Earthing”? It’s a medical hoax that purports to cure your ailments by connecting you electrically to earth. This is a conductive mat which comes with a huge alternative-medicine price tag, and like most hoax products, it’s made out of about five bucks’ worth of plastic and wire. You plug it into your wall socket, where it connects to the ground plug, and then the magic starts.

If you’re convinced that this isn’t horseshit, you can read the book “Earthing: The most important health discovery ever?” The answer to that is probably no, but maybe you’re really gullible, and you want to get an even more expensive Earthing sheet set for your bed, and nail your ass to the ground while you sleep.

The seller of these “breast melons” is perpetrating a hoax. This picture comes from an art installation in Vietnam, not from an actual plant that was grown from seed. (I can’t show the nipples here, as stupid as that sounds, but the original picture’s on the listing.)

They’re regular squash seeds, according to the reviews of people who bought and grew them. It’s more believable than the people selling blue strawberries, but it’s still not real, unfortunately.

I thought I’d take a moment to write my own x-rated fortune cookies, because these aren’t very “x-rated”, and they’re not funny. If it were up to me:

Tonight, a mysterious presence will crank you off.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a hog-crank.

You will soon embark on a magnificent journey, on a bus, so you don’t have to drive, so you can crank it.

Fortune favors the hog.

Crank the hog while it is still hot.

You can click through to see what they actually say, but I’ll warn you: mine are better.

Why you got a zipper on your weird-ass hoodie, dude? You wanna be able to take it off if you get too warm?

I get that this was probably well-intentioned, but telling your mom that a billion people online “like” her might not come off the right way.

This inflatable hand would be unremarkable were it not for the sad, cramped hand sweatily giving a half-thumbs-up inside.

It’s yet another book where the author thought of the title first, and the content second. It’s stupid, but unlike “Beat Your Way To The Top,” it doesn’t suggest you masturbate while you read it, so that’s some small relief.