“No more cold nose,” promises Aunt Marty’s Nose Warmers, whose products include “Soft Kitty” (above), “White Sheep,” and “Silly Skunk”. The best-reviewed one is the animal-faceless “Purple And White,” which still, unfortunately, looks like a tiny, stupid hat strapped to the model’s nose.

Taking a joke product and making it real not only ensures that you’ll destroy the original joke, but that the product won’t be good either.

It doesn’t help if it’s a 15-year-old joke, either.

There’s no way of choosing the sex of your baby by having sex at a specific time or in a specific way. But that doesn’t stop people from trying to make money by claiming you can. “How To Get Pregnant With A Boy,” “How To Choose The Sex Of Your Baby,” and “How To Get Pregnant With A Girl” are three self-published titles by three different authors who would like you to believe, to the tune of two to five dollars each, that such a thing is possible.

You’ve got to give them credit, though – they’ve at least got a 50/50 shot with each reader. Unlike “My Pregnant Boyfriend,” an adult novel, which, despite its five-star reviews, will never come true.

This fuel-cell reactor uses hydrogen gas to produce 5v power to charge an iPhone. The downside to this is that you’ve got to carry canisters of hydrogen gas with you wherever you intend to recharge your phone, which is a dangerous proposition at best. Also, it charges a phone at about half the speed of a regular 120v wall charger, meaning you’ve got to leave a hydrogen reactor going for several hours if you want a full charge on your phone.

If you need something portable to recharge your phone with, you probably want an Anker battery, which is about half the price of the hydrogen-burning hell machine up there, and comes with the added bonus of not setting you up for a Hindenburg on your camping trip. Or if you’re dying to burn something in the pursuit of electricity, why not go whole-hog and get a 7500-watt gas generator? It weighs 211 pounds, but then again, so do a lot of us.

Why buy a box of Lucky Charms and spend your precious sugar-minutes digging out the marshmallows when you could buy a pound of cereal marshmallows on its own?

Actually, for that matter, why not get the 40-pound case of cereal marshmallows? Sure, as one of the reviewers notes, it may turn your excretions into a cascading rainbow of different colors, but let’s face the facts: your endocrine system already hates you.

The Silhouette “sense-enhancing wine glass” has a dip in one side, so your nose fits into it. (Check out the “elegant” picture of a lady drinking out of it.) The manufacturer claims that it helps you taste wine better, because you can stick your nose right into the glass. That would make sense, if regular wine glasses didn’t already have a big hole at the top that lets you smell the wine.

It costs $49.95… for one glass.

I can only show you PART of one of these mouse pads. “Sexy Girl 3D”, above, is an anime girl whose giant breasts form a wrist-rest. But it’s absolutely tame compared to “Make Life 3D Anime Mouse Pad,” whose name belies the fact that it’s a tied-up lady whose spooged-up butt forms the 3-D part of the mouse pad. Or “Perfect Gift Sexy 3D,” which actually prints an anime’s dirt button right in between the 3D buttcheeks. I don’t recommend you click any of those, unless you’ve got a hunger for cartoon butts, or you don’t believe my descriptions.

I do, however, wholeheartedly recommend you check out “World’s Sweetest Sister-In-Law,” a mousepad which contains no bodily fluids. Just the words “World’s Sweetest Sister-In-Law,” printed so large that only one of them actually lands on the mouse pad. It’s calming after those anime horrors. The indifference of not caring what goes on the mousepad pales in comparison to the deliberate detail that goes into an anime butthole.