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“Is your dick shooting lightning bolts, or are you just happy to see me?” Neither! It’s a belt buckle that looks like a plasma globe.

The new Amazon FireTV just came out yesterday. As is the norm with new gadgets, there are already over 40 one-star reviews, complaining about one thing or another. A surprising (okay, not surprising) number of them try to include Obama in their complaints about the $99 box that lets you talk into the remote control and watch infinite TV. One of them said Amazon is destroying the environment by not powering their servers with windmills. And someone else gave it a one-star review because “I have no idea what the hell this does.” You’d think these are the people who’d want to talk to the TV.

I remember trying these fuckers when I was a kid, and being disappointed that I couldn’t jump several feet in the air like kids in the advertisement seemed to do. I thought it was because I was fat, but it turns out it’s because they are shitty, and they don’t work for anyone. Vindication! I’m right behind you, “A Kid’s Review” from April 30, 2005, where you stated “NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER BUY THESE SHOES!!! I HATE THEM!!”

Despite the fact that today is April first, this is not a joke. “Cookie Butter” is suggested by Trader Joe’s to be a replacement for peanut butter. It is made entirely of sugar and margarine, with some emulsifier, so the oil stays in the sugar layer instead of separating out. There’s an ingredient list, in case you want to fully experience the chemical horror of Cookie Butter.

Maybe you’re wondering how to eat your placenta, or you’re a placenta collector and you want to do something tasty with all the ‘centas you’ve got out in the freezer. “Twenty-Five Placenta Recipes” is here for you! Make placenta tacos, Placenta Loaf, or 23 other dishes that aren’t horrifying at all. (There’s a “Look Inside” on this one, so make sure you click through and see the rest, unless you’re eating.)

In “Monsters Made Me Gay: Bigfoot Gangbang,” the author weaves a tale of what happens when you find the mythical Bigfoot. Fundamentalists will love it too, because one of the listed features of this 4,600-word story is “turning straight to gay.” Finally, some corroboration of their weird fixation that straight people can be convinced to switch teams.

No word on whether or not the Bigfeet in the story were real or just dudes in realistic, sexy Bigfoot costumes. Maybe if you’ve got the time or the Bigfoot-boner to read the whole thing, you can report back with details.