The Worst Things For Sale

While it’s true that aerating your wine usually improves its flavor, a wine decanter is probably your best bet. It’s an inexpensive piece of glassware that doesn’t require batteries. The eparé, on the other hand, is a battery-operated piece of plastic that, according to the detailed, non-suspicious reviews (as opposed to the cheerfully vague five-stars,) doesn’t work, or breaks soon after arriving.

It’s the cousin of Sonic Foamer, the ultrasonic beer-coaster that causes your beer to fizz, a process usually undertaken by pouring beer into a glass. Precipitate too much of the gas out of your beer, and you’re worse off than when you started.

You might wonder, one day, “I wonder if the free and simple children’s game of flipping a bottle and landing it on its bottom has been converted into a product.” I’m happy to report that it has, and it’s called Flip Challenge, and the bottle is not included.

Let’s go down the smart-product checklist for Ember, The Smart Coffee Mug:

• Heated and insulated coffee mugs already exist
• Controlling a coffee mug with your phone is unnecessary
• Costs 15 times as much as a normal mug
• Reviews say the battery drains quickly and won’t connect to Bluetooth

How does this device give you “facial fitness”? Look at it for just a second, and then go to the listing to see the illustrations of women using it. You won’t be disappointed.

Billy’s Ball Bags makes a variety of stretchy silicone testicles. (They’ve been pixellated here to meet the unfair standards of society, but you can see the uncensored pic on the listing.) What’s most intriguing, though, is Billy’s claim that other ball makers have been trying to sabotage his reputation.

The worst part of BoozeBrella isn’t that it’s yet another container to smuggle liquor into an event (see the Wine Rack, BeerBelly, Sneaky Shorts, etc.) It’s this depressing review where a woman describes how her husband’s obsessive use of BoozeBrella has torn her family apart.

A great idea in theory, and a perfect way to get America interested in sushi, the Sushi Bazooka unfortunately fails in its execution. According to reviews, it breaks easily, is hard to clean, and the rice sticks to the inside. And, personally speaking, it’s a disappointment that you can’t use it to destroy a tank.

If you’re hell-bent on making sushi at home, this set of wooden utensils and bamboo mats would probably do the trick, for under ten bucks. Just make sure you get some decent seaweed to roll them bad boys up. You cheap out there, you’re gonna notice.