Easy To Make Haircut At Home


Too socially-anxious or depressed to go to a barber shop or HairCutz chain-snippery? Throw on Easy To Make Haircut At Home! (yes, that’s the actual product name) and give yourself a haircut that matches your emotions. One man’s review explains that he cuts hair in his garage, and it’s cold out there, but it’s fine to wear a coat underneath Easy To Make Haircut At Home!.

(edit, 3/15/20: The manufacturer changed the name of this product after I made fun of it.)

Drunk Wine Animals


Don’t let your wine habit get in the way of your self-branding as a cabin-dwelling countryperson. Get the Drunk Deer. Or, for those who hunt bigger game, there’s the similarly-shaped Partay Bear.

But after extensive research, I’ve determined that the very best Wine Animal On Its Back is Drunk Cowboy Armadillo.

USB Colonoscopy


While you could possibly, as someone suggested in the reviews, use this USB camera mounted to a 16-foot gooseneck cable to examine the end of your own digestive system, I don’t recommend it. You might puncture your bowels, or, if you get to the end of the cable, your small intestines. There’s a 45-foot model that might allow you to make the journey and come out the other side, which, again, is not recommended. Of course, you’d probably want to go down the hatch in this theoretical journey through the body, rather than drag the browser history of your digestive-tract up through your mouth.

The Least Useful Pan


Dividing a regular pan in two so you can “cook two things at once” isn’t terrible. It’s not my thing, and you can’t toss the pan to redistribute the food, but, fine. Dividing it in three sections would make it even harder to cook your three small piles of different food. But the “Master Pan”, with five sections, takes the cake. Or, I should say, given their picture of how they think you can use it, it takes the pancake, fried egg, bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, and potatoes.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.