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The ten-pound candy bar, and other glycemic disasters

ten-pound-toblerone

This Toblerone bar weighs 9.9 pounds, or, for our metric friends, 4.5 kilos. It’s not that the chocolate is bad, and the manufacturer does their best to convince you to share it, but we all know the fate of these 4,500 grams of chocolate. They’re all going inside a single person. You, if you buy it.

Can you control your insatiable urge for sugar, salt, and fat? Is it your fault that you ate the whole thing? Technically, yes, but realistically, this behavioral pathway is encoded in your genes. Find sugar, eat sugar. It kept the prokaryotes alive, and if you’re reading this, it’s worked well enough that you’re still here too. At least it’s not the five-pound Hershey bar, whose makers process the chocolate in such a way that leaves it smelling faintly of vomit due to its butyric acid content. (It’s not noticeable if you grew up eating it, but if you’ve ever heard someone referring to Hershey as “pukey,” that’s why.)

 



Your Slyce: The $50 bad-pizza-making tool

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I guess Your Slyce is an okay idea. It’s a silicone divider that allows you to bake separate slices of pizza, but in the shape of a whole pizza, for people who want different toppings. But then you see the tagline: “Why compromise?”

“Indeed, why must any of us compromise,” Your Slyce whispers to you. “Isn’t it the lack of gadgetry or rubber shapes, after all, that’s keeping each and every one of us from living a fulfilled life?” You nod, believing that a more perfect pizza will let you escape the larger problems you have, until you scroll down and see the customer image from someone who used this single piece of rubber to make garbage dinner.



Nuka Cola Quantum

nuka-cola-quantum

Nuka Cola Quantum enjoyed a brief production run, before gamers were able to spend enough time inside Fallout 4 to realize it wasn’t an adventure, but actually a nightmare where you collect desk fans, while a woman yells at you in an implausibly Irish accent about collecting desk fans. It wasn’t terrible for the original price, but it’s being resold at over fifty dollars a bottle, and unlike Fallout, you can’t drink a beer before you buy it to get a better price.  



Cats Love Jazz

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“Cats Love Jazz” is both the presupposition and title of this album, which seems to be a computer-generated mash of MIDI instrumentals, all of which clock in almost exactly at one minute and seven seconds. It seems to have been created by someone who has never heard jazz, but rather attempted to recreate it from a written description.

If you enjoy or “enjoy” this album (you can stream it from the link up there) there’s a pond-themed album featuring the bizarre organ-seizure titled “Ducks Have Bad Hands For Jazz”, though to be honest, a few seconds of any of these tracks is more than enough for most.



QR Codes For Your House

 

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QR codes, the little square grids that you can scan with your phone (but nobody ever has) are now available for your house. If you ever wanted to put a QR code on your television remote, and have someone scan it with their phone in order to play a video you’ve made, this product lets you do that. (I’m not intentionally creating a bizarre use-case, by the way. The manufacturer specifically implies that you’d want to do this with your remote control.)











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