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Calendars Of Years Past

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In January, the calendars in the mall will be deeply discounted. Fifty, seventy-five, even ninety percent. A calendar’s hard enough to sell after Christmas, but once the new year has started, you’re dead in the water. But, for some reason, old calendars remain online, managing to dodge the recycling bin year after year.

It’s kinda fucked up to see the Naked Straight Boys 2011 calendar, realizing that enough time has passed that they’re all dead by now. Same with the Playful Pigs 2010 calendar. They’re ham in 2014. Ham or dog food. Maybe there’s one or two pigs left, but they sure ain’t playful anymore.

The What Is Mr. Winkle? 2008 Calendar leaves us with the somber knowledge that we probably didn’t find out what Mr. Winkle was, or if we did, the answer wasn’t remarkable enough to last six years in our media-battered memories. I never found out who the Women Of Enchantment are, either, or why their 2004 calendar would be worth fifty bucks.

The pre-Y2K calendars are my favorite, as far as useless, outdated time-maps go. The 1999 Calendar of Wooden Boats, for example, was presumably made in preparation for the post-millennial world without internet, a flooded-earth scenario where the survivors would travel from island to island in hand-hewn boats at sunset. The 1999 Milestones Of Flight Calendar is a retrospective of what great heights we achieved, before the techno-plague wiped our silicon from the skies. And the Heavy Equipment 1998 Calendar showcased the end of our era of construction machinery. “This backhoe won’t work once the ‘puters get all broked!!” its cover screams, into the dying light of civilization.

100-Watt Crybabies

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The incandescent light bulb, which wastes 97% of its energy in generating heat (rather than light) is finally being phased out in favor of fluorescent and LED lighting. The non-incandescent bulbs last longer and don’t waste nearly as much power, but hundreds of people have congregated in the product reviews for incandescent bulbs to bemoan the state of the world in 2014. “Blought these because big brother has decided we can not use them,” complains one. “The new bulbs … are Toxic Waist,” grumbles another. It’s a shame the internet wasn’t popular when the government phased out leaded gas, to forever enshrine the leaded-gas opinions of the mildly inconvenienced first-world.



Deformed Cat’s Christmas Hell: RIP, Grumpy Cat

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Grumpy Cat, the cat named “Tard” (short for “retarded”, later changed to “Tardar Sauce” when people complained she was named Tard) now has her own movie. It’s hard to find anything else that simultaneously makes fun of developmentally-disabled humans while treating a real alive animal like it’s a toy, so this is a unique piece of corn in the turd. While I’m not happy about someone shooting Tard with a crossbow at a “book signing” (how does a cat sign books?) it’s good, at least, that Grumpy Cat is no longer subjected to being toted around to events and handled by hundreds of weird strangers. RIP.



“Grow Tall” pills

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Unless you’re in Wonderland or Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, there is no way you’ll grow in height as an adult by taking a pill. You can have your arms and legs surgically lengthened, or have a hormonal disorder like acromegaly, but once the growth plates close in your long bones, you can’t intentionally increase your height.

Regardless, that doesn’t stop customers from claiming that they grew after taking these pills.



Reluctantly Gay Ghosts And Werewolfs

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This short novel (which runs all of 11 pages, most of which can be read in the “Look Inside” link) is pretty clearly explained in its title. But you can’t beat the description, which contains the text “WARNING: … a horny gay poltergeist.”

If that doesn’t get you supernaturalled out, try “How To Turn A Wolf Gay,” by the same author. Or if you think a werewolf willingly being turned gay is too unbelievable, then you could get “Made To Submit (Reluctant Gay Werewolf BDSM).”

Then again, you might be thinking “that’s not specific enough of an adult novel, because everything I read these days has a straight BDSM werewolf who is reluctant to turn gay.” Who’d blame you? That’s probably why there’s “Reluctant Gay Werewolf Catshifter BDSM”, for those who prefer catshifter in their reluctant gay werewolf stories.







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