The Not Very Deadbolt Lock

This absurdly-expensive Bluetooth-enabled deadbolt lock is an excellent way to let someone into your house who has stolen your phone. All they’ll have to do to open your front door is open the app on your stolen phone and click “unlock.”

To make matters worse, it seems to have firmware problems, and as one reviewer noted, “when my phone is in the house, whoever touches the lock can unlock it.” And anyone prowling around the neighborhood can identify this piece of shit from its glowing blue ring of LEDs. Great job, guys.

Not Lighthouses


“Lovely gift for any lighthouse fan or collector,” says the manufacturer of these “gummy lighthouses.” They don’t really look like lighthouses to me, but maybe I’ve got a penis-based mindset after spending hours looking at dildos and erotic books to post here.

The Nazi-Themed Soda


Amazed by the rudimentary joke they made, the creators of “Not See Kola” branded their sugar-water with a Nazi-esque label and blackletter typeface. “NOT SEE, do you get it?” I’m guessing they say at least a dozen times a day.

I’m sighing so hard I’m about to pass out from lack of oxygen, but… Not See Kola is from the makers of Leninade.

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Contact drew at or tweet him @TWTFSale.