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Babymop

babymop

The Babymop is a one-piece romper you put on your toddler so they clean your floor as they crawl and roll around on it. It sounds good, at first, until you realize that you’ve either got to put your baby on a filthy floor, or clean it before you put them on it in the Babymop, which it defeats the point.



Nazi “cosplay” uniform

nazi-armband

“Haha, I’m just cosplaying, so it’s fine,” you say, slipping on your Nazi “cosplay” armband. “It’s just a fantasy world where I dress up like genocidal monsters.” You slip on your NSDAP Officer’s cap, with silver swastika, and admire yourself in the mirror. “Yeah, my replica Nazi uniform cost about a hundred-fifty bucks, but it’s just a joke, it’s not serious.” Slipping some actual late-1930s eagle-with-swastika reichspfennig coins into your pocket, you turn off the light, grab your 40s-era German national flag, and head out the door. You’re just a regular guy who likes history, and irony, and like the manufacturer said, the flag can be hung either inside, or outside on a flagpole, as one does with a five-foot-wide Nazi flag, just to have fun.

Guitars Plus Handwriting

lady-gaga-guitar

You may not have known this, but there’s an entire micro-industry based on getting celebrities to sign a guitar pick-guard, then bolting it onto a cheap guitar. Like Lady Gaga’s, above, which is going for over two grand. Or the similarly-priced Phish autographed guitar, which also has the Phish guy’s face airbrushed onto it. Bizarrely, there’s also an acoustic guitar with Macklemore’s signature on it.

The one that takes the cake, though, is the Squier signed by Paul McCartney. If the price doesn’t do it for you, there’s a few angry reviews that might.



Calf Slimmers

calf-shapers

Out of all the body parts a lady could have, it seems bizarre that calves would need “slimming”. But, as my article about arm slimmers probably proved, any body part on a woman can be slimmed with a constricting piece of elastic.

While there are actual medical uses for compression socks, these are described as “Lose Weight Fat Buster,” and claim to “enhance your gap.”

For a dip into a deeper pool of sadness, though, you have to turn to the same company’s thigh shapers, which have a single review from a customer named Caroline, who gave them five stars, saying “Too small for legs, but just right for arms.”



What is a man cave?

man-cave-candles

I’ve pondered this question for years and I think I finally figured out what a “man cave” is. These soy candles tipped me off, because why are you burning a scented candle, Guy Who’s So Manly He Has To Have A Man Cave? And why do they have to be soy? Something’s fucky here.

man-cave-sign

A man cave is not what it claims to be. If this sign said “Hydrate with wine. I don’t exercise” it would be in your mom’s house, because your mom hung it up there.

 

man-cave-shelf

A man cave is actually an excuse for a man to decorate a room in his house as if he were a suburban housewife. Look at this precious wooden shelf for “shot glasses.” It’s for Precious Moments figurines, dude. I know what’s up. You got your Precious Moments in there so they don’t knock together and chip the paint.

 

man-cave-pillow

There’s nothing wrong with being a suburban housewife. I’m not saying there is. You just can’t claim to be doing manly shit in your “cave” if you need a cute throw pillow that matches your other pillows.







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