The Life Of Dick Butt

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You’ve no doubt encountered the character “Dick Butt,” originally from KC Green’s comic Gun Show. Despite the fact that they don’t have permisison, several companies continue to make counterfeit Dick Butt merchandise. There’s a counterfeit Dick Butt mug, a counterfeit Dick Butt t-shirt, a counterfeit Dick Butt For President shirt, a counterfeit Dick Butt car sticker, and perhaps worst of all, a counterfeit Dick Butt children’s backpack. All of this supposes that you’re so committed to showing everyone you love the dick with a butt that has a dick growing out of his own butt that you need to share it with the world.

There is, though, a Dick Butt realer than any of those I’ve yet shared with you. You may see it, but you have to promise me you’re not at work before you check it out.



Wine Bra, Beer Gut

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If you need to smuggle alcohol somewhere, the best way to do it is in your stomach. And if you need a place to hide and drink the alcohol to get it in there, well, that’s why they invented bushes.

But if that doesn’t do it for you, put 25 ounces of wine into The Wine Rack, a bra with a plastic hose that lets you suck the wine back out of the hose. I’m not sure how that’s more covert than drinking it out of a glass. And you also have to consider that adults drink wine whenever there are more than 3 of them in a room, as a defense mechanism. It’s not something people do in secret.

If your only problem with The Wine Rack is “I’d love to sip hot swill out of a plastic hose, but I don’t wear a bra and 25 ounces isn’t enough!” then the BeerBelly, an eighty-ounce prosthetic gut that hangs off your existing gut, may be the product for you.



CB For Christians

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Suggesting that you use the handle “Rollin’ Chaplain”, “Deek”, or “Colorado Tune Heister” (?!), this book from 1976 is definitely not worth its insane price tag, but apparently played a big part in the lone reviewer’s life.

Surprisingly, not only can you still buy CB radios, but they’re way cheaper than you’d think. The time might be ripe for the humble CB radio to make its return, if only so we can yell at each other through the electromagnetic spectrum instead of online.

Half The Keyboard, 20 Times The Price

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“Never move your hand from the keyboard again!” brags the manufacturer of this $565.00 half-keyboard. Unless having Y, U, I, O, P, H, J, K, L, N, M, and punctuation keys is slowing down your work, it might not be much of a productivity-booster. And the Tab, Backspace, Escape and Delete functions are assigned to the same key, which must be amazingly convenient.

Click thru to the big picture if you want to revel in the full glory of this keyboard.



Punderdome: Worse Than Cards Against Humanity

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With the repeated success of card games on Kickstarter, there’s been an explosion in “creative” card games in the past few years. Like most of the games that aren’t Cards Against Humanity (which itself is only an excuse to say “AIDS midgets sucking an orphan’s dick” or something similarly “funy” in front of your friends,) Punderdome is a less-fun way to spend a couple hours with your friends than sitting together and not playing a game. Most of the reviews that aren’t explicitly left in exchange for getting a free copy of the game say it doesn’t play well and isn’t fun.

In case you’re still tempted to pick up a copy, the manufacturer’s own examples of game play should convince you otherwise.

Urine Therapy

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Do you have any medical problem at all? Are you willing to chug piss? Then you’re in luck. Thanks to the worldwide network of cranks that have brought us scams such as essential oils, Morgellon’s and homeopathy, you can now drink your own sunshine as a way to avoid real medical treatment. Fill dozens of 2-liters up with this miracle cure, and then tell everyone about how you rub yourself down with pee and drink it. “Those doctors don’t know what they’re talking about,” you say, sipping a martini glass full of kidney juice. “They’re just trying to make money.”

Then again, you could drink this squeeze bottle full of wolf urine to maybe (probably!) become a wolf.

 



Light-Eater’s Science Fiction

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Jasmuheen, an author best known for killing multiple people through her books insisting that human beings don’t need to eat food, now has an even-more-poorly written book called “Queen Of The Matrix.” It borrows heavily from the Harry Potter and The Matrix franchises, and is set in the world from The Matrix. (The “Look Inside” is a must if you’ve got a minute.)

It’s best read with Jasmuheen’s album Rhythms, a shitty soup of sitar, 90s breakbeats, and nursery rhymes which you can hear here.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.