Quotations From Chairman Trump



The only way this works as satire is if all you know about communism is that “it’s bad” and that the red book is “the bad book.” Then again, we’re so far into the worst election season of our lives that we’re all grasping at some way to explain what’s happening, trying to construct a logical explanation for our nation in 2016 other than “democracy has failed us.”

(An English translation of the original “little red book”, Quotations From Chairman Mao Tse-Tung, is still in print.)  

The Pistachiopener


Even if you were to ignore the fact that a pistachio that doesn’t open as it’s roasted is immature and doesn’t taste as good as a mature pistachio, the PistachiOpener solves a problem that doesn’t really exist. If you absolutely must eat the few nuts whose shells haven’t fully opened, you can take a half-shell from one you’ve already eaten and use it to pry the closed one open.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.