Remote-controlled cockroach


Surprise! This cheap little cockroach toy isn’t really particularly bad. It’s only here for contrast to RoboRoach, the kit that lets you insert electrodes into the brain of a real, live cockroach, zapping its nervous system from afar using Bluetooth to control its movements.

I may be drawing artificial lines here, but it’s humane to kill a cockroach quickly to prevent the spread of disease. It’s okay to eat one for food, even though I wouldn’t. It’s also morally okay to keep a cockroach as a pet, if you take good care of it, and you don’t keep it in a tiny tube. But it crosses a moral line, to me, to stun-gun a bug’s mind for entertainment.

Wine Aerator


While it’s true that aerating your wine usually improves its flavor, a wine decanter is probably your best bet. It’s an inexpensive piece of glassware that doesn’t require batteries. The eparé, on the other hand, is a battery-operated piece of plastic that, according to the detailed, non-suspicious reviews (as opposed to the cheerfully vague five-stars,) doesn’t work, or breaks soon after arriving.

It’s the cousin of Sonic Foamer, the ultrasonic beer-coaster that causes your beer to fizz, a process usually undertaken by pouring beer into a glass. Precipitate too much of the gas out of your beer, and you’re worse off than when you started.


Soap With A Hole


You might think this “Pecker Polisher” soap is, if nothing else, a unique product. Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. It’s also sold as Dick Soap, Willy Washer, Cock Soap, Hose Cleaner, Naughty Soap, and Plumbers’ Soap. I can’t tell whether the manufacturer is trying to target different demographics by packaging it so many different ways, or if they’ve all been failures so far, and they truly believe you can make a fortune selling a ten-dollar piece of soap with a hole in it, so they persist.

CigarzUp Cigar Holder


This single piece of plastic, which sells for $11.89 plus shipping, holds your cigar next to your bottle of beer. There is already a gadget that holds your cigar, and conveniently also holds the ash that falls off of your cigar. It’s called an “ashtray.” There are even inexpensive cigar ashtrays with deep grooves to hold multiple cigars and an extra-large dent for cigar ash.

One review notes that it slips down the bottle as condensation collects on the outside, which seems reasonable, but ultimately, the manufacturer insists that this “keeps your cigar away from your bottle,” while doing the opposite.

If you’re still obsessed with the idea of smoking and drinking at the same time in the same place, there is the Wake & Bake Coffee mug, which combines a weed pipe with a coffee mug, though you’re going to have to hold a mug of hot coffee in front of your face while you inhale through the mug handle and torch the bowl with your other hand.

It’s been postulated that this universe is a simulation, running somewhere on an ultra-powerful computer, and we’re objects inside of it, reacting endlessly to stimuli, interacting in unpredictable ways to create emergent behavior surprising or entertaining to those running the simulation. Shine a bright light on an amoeba, and it moves. Let humans develop the technology to turn oil into plastic, and we create Bratz, and heart valves, and CigarzUp, and seatbelts, and dildos, and Nintendos. They’re taking screenshots of us, getting run over by buses, sucking the cherry from a combination weed-pipe-coffee-mug into our lungs, thrashing around as we scream. At least someone, somewhere, is getting something out of all of this.

One Fast Cat Exercise Wheel


“Please do not buy this wheel if you are not willing to train your cat,” warns the manufacturer of One Fast Cat Exercise Wheel. But even if you can train your cat, and even if your cat would like running on a wheel, the long list of one-star reviews say that this cat exercise wheel comes apart during use and tips over easily.

The GoPet, a different pet exercise wheel which clocks in at over five hundred dollars, seems to work more reliably. Though, as one reviewer notes, “it’s a torture for me, to keep my cat in there.”

Baby’s First AR-15 Shirt


Your newborn baby, unfortunately, has a few more years until he or she can get their hands on an assault rifle. Members of Congress are working around the clock to give your infant the right to own a gun, and in the meantime, this baby’s AR-15 shirt, which also calls the reader “little bitch,” is a step in the right direction. You’ll also need the “Come And Take It” baby bib, ringed in a pleasant lavender color, implying that your tiny child is already terrified the government will take their assault rifle.

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Contact drew at or tweet him @TWTFSale.