Edible Nightmare: Bowls You Can Eat


If you wanted to fill a bowl with food and then eat the bowl, you could go with the basic bread bowl. But is it over-the-top complicated and horrible? Nope. So…


The tortilla bowl is okay, except that you need a standalone appliance to make it, and the manufacturer’s picture suggests that you fill it with a pound and a half of guacamole with two tiny pieces of onion on top.


Does this mold that creates a beautiful, crystalline bowl out of ice have an irrational amount of fat and sugar? No. Zero of both, in fact. So let’s make a bowl out of cookie dough, and fill it with ice cream, and eat the wet cookie. But we might as well go full-cancer and use The Perfect Bacon Bowl to microwave bacon into a bowl-shape. After all, the world is out there, and it’s up to you to make it into a bowl, and fill it with other food, and eat all of it.

The Toddler Saddle


“What the fuck, dad?!” screams this child’s dubious face, as his father carries him on SaddleBaby, a contraption engineered to injure young fathers. Most of the reviews note that the device is incredibly uncomfortable to use, as you’d imagine, and turns the simple act of carrying a young child on your shoulders into an expensive hellride.

The only thing SaddleBaby has going for it is that it is not the Daddle, which is a device an adult wears on his back so a child may ride him like a horse.

No Fap Your Way To Something Or Other


If it were written as the title might initially lead you to believe, this book might be useful for the billions of people worldwide who have a dick. Unfortunately, it’s some variant on the “no-fap” movement, which, of course, has been around for thousands of years. One of the long-since-discredited anti-masturbation theses of the 1700s in still in print, as a matter of fact, and holds no more water than a forum of young men telling each other not to churn the butter. If you can’t figure out how to lead a life where you don’t crank off so many times per day that it ruins your body and mind, you might want to consider therapy, not a combination of ancient anti-onanism and Freudian pipe-puffery.

Your Dog Pees Inside Now


An indoor dog-piss pad teaches your dog to pee in the house. A yard can be expensive and hard to keep alive. Fresh Patch manages to be the worst of both worlds, enabling you to create a tiny inside-yard full of real grass for your dog’s urine. The manufacturers encourage buyers to “conveniently” replace the $19.99 + $10 shipping box with a new one when the urine smell gets too bad for you to handle. Personally, purchasing and receiving boxes of sod via UPS sounds like the least convenient thing that I could do with my life, but to each his own.

Cardboard Bed, Not In Animal Crossing


The KoolKarton is a bed-frame made out of corrugated cardboard. It claims to support 1000 pounds, although, obviously, if it’s not kept completely dry, or you sleep on it for longer than a few months, or you use it for anything other than sleeping, it’s going to collapse. Or, as one customer mentioned, if it’s damaged during shipping or packed incorrectly, it won’t be able to hold any weight at all.

That doesn’t mean that there’s no use for corrugated cardboard, though. This kit lets you make a cardboard playhouse for your kid, and they can draw all over it, and sit in there and talk to themselves and play Nintendo. And just like the bed frame, when it inevitably falls apart due to the inherent flimsiness of cardboard, you can throw it in the recycling bin, confident that it will be made into something useful. Like an Amazon Prime box, with a new cardboard playhouse inside. Ashes to ashes, box to box.

Phone Control Of Your Home


When will manufacturers learn that we like our phones for distracting us from bullshit, not “controlling” the bullshit? Whether it’s The Neato Botvac (above) or the Roomba 980, the simple task of cleaning the floor gets abstracted into a thousand-dollar nightmare. The Philips Hue system allows you to control your house’s lights with your phone, if you’re willing to spend hundreds (or thousands) of dollars and wind up scrubbing your finger on a phone app for twice as long as it would take you to walk across a room and flip a switch. And the Koubachi is a $150+ gadget that tells you when to water a single houseplant, in case the concept of “pour a little water on your plant every day” seems too complex not to replace with a phone app and a piece of plastic.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.