The World’s Worst Gas Can


This product has collected almost a hundred reviews, with nearly all of them one-stars. It leaks gas, but doesn’t dispense it from the spout, as you would want it to do. It seems to be designed to spill gasoline directly onto the user, unless you’re the anonymous user JohnnyB, who brags “I have had no problems with operation.”  He has also reviewed a rack for holding multiple katana swords. Five stars, of course. Live your best life, JohnnyB.

The Worst Chips Of Last Year


I bought a bag of Southern Biscuits & Gravy Lays, above, expecting it to be horrible. It wasn’t terrible (even though an overtone of milk in a potato chip isn’t a great flavor) but I found the horror I was looking for in the New York Reuben flavor. The lilt of corned-beef gives the impression that the chips have spoiled, and the hint of cheese insists to your brain that you’re eating mold as you experience the dust of artificial flavoring on each chip. In a block of cheese, mold works, but not here.

This is, of course, a demographic targeted by Buffalo Chicken Ranch Dippers, but all the same.      

Oregon Patriots Occupied My Butt


In case you thought that a short erotic novel took any longer than a few hours to churn out, Oregon Patriots Occupied My Butt will prove you wrong. (If you’re reading this in the future and don’t know or remember what this refers to, it’s a group of gun-kissers who are currently “occupying” a wildlife refuge in Oregon. It ended poorly, or well, or was a mess, and it didn’t matter, and nothing changed.)

The ten-pound candy bar, and other glycemic disasters


This Toblerone bar weighs 9.9 pounds, or, for our metric friends, 4.5 kilos. It’s not that the chocolate is bad, and the manufacturer does their best to convince you to share it, but we all know the fate of these 4,500 grams of chocolate. They’re all going inside a single person. You, if you buy it.

Can you control your insatiable urge for sugar, salt, and fat? Is it your fault that you ate the whole thing? Technically, yes, but realistically, this behavioral pathway is encoded in your genes. Find sugar, eat sugar. It kept the prokaryotes alive, and if you’re reading this, it’s worked well enough that you’re still here too. At least it’s not the five-pound Hershey bar, whose makers process the chocolate in such a way that leaves it smelling faintly of vomit due to its butyric acid content. (It’s not noticeable if you grew up eating it, but if you’ve ever heard someone referring to Hershey as “pukey,” that’s why.)


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