Share

Bulletproof backpack armor

71KPjUTYq2L._SL1000_

Let’s sidestep the politics of gun control for the time being and look at this piece of trash. It’s called “LifePlate”, and it’s a bulletproof plate your child carries in their backpack, to be used as a shield in case of a school shooting. It’s despicable to prey on the fear of parents by selling them an extraordinarily expensive piece of plastic.

But, what’s worse, to me, is making your child look at this thing all day in school, and explaining to them, “Oh, LifePlate? That’s for if someone bursts in the school and just fucking starts murdering everyone. Don’t worry, though, it probably won’t happen, but the chances are good enough that I thought I’d bulletproof you. I didn’t want to plunk down for the BulletBlocker child’s backpack, so make sure you get your brain and all your good organs behind that LifePlate when the time comes.”

USB Cufflinks

usb-cufflinks

If you wear these insanely expensive USB cufflinks to a formal occasion where you’d be expected to wear cufflinks, what do you expect to do with them when you’re there?

If you wear them to a place where you wouldn’t be expected to wear cufflinks in the first place, you’re a huge dork.

There is no joy in USB cufflinks.



New Year’s Glasses: 2015

Novelty-products manufacturers got spoiled during the ten-year period (2000-2009, inclusive) where they could make number-glasses that had two circles right in the middle of ‘em. They continued the trend clear through to 2015, where they’ve cheated by making the numeral 1 hollow. At least these 2015 glasses light up, which is more than I can say for the other ones I found.

Lighthouse candy

gummy-lighthouses

“Lovely gift for any lighthouse fan or collector,” says the manufacturer of these “gummy lighthouses.” They don’t really look like lighthouses to me, but maybe I’ve got a penis-based mindset after spending hours looking at dildos and erotic books to post here.



Cargo Leggings

cargo-leggings

Do you like the ease and comfort of leggings, but you’re tired of having to stash your graphing calculator and Bugles in your fanny-pack or under your car seat? Then get some cargo leggings, girl. Live your best leg-pocket life.



Calendars Of Years Past

2002-space-calendar

In January, the calendars in the mall will be deeply discounted. Fifty, seventy-five, even ninety percent. A calendar’s hard enough to sell after Christmas, but once the new year has started, you’re dead in the water. But, for some reason, old calendars remain online, managing to dodge the recycling bin year after year.

It’s kinda fucked up to see the Naked Straight Boys 2011 calendar, realizing that enough time has passed that they’re all dead by now. Same with the Playful Pigs 2010 calendar. They’re ham in 2014. Ham or dog food. Maybe there’s one or two pigs left, but they sure ain’t playful anymore.

The What Is Mr. Winkle? 2008 Calendar leaves us with the somber knowledge that we probably didn’t find out what Mr. Winkle was, or if we did, the answer wasn’t remarkable enough to last six years in our media-battered memories. I never found out who the Women Of Enchantment are, either, or why their 2004 calendar would be worth fifty bucks.

The pre-Y2K calendars are my favorite, as far as useless, outdated time-maps go. The 1999 Calendar of Wooden Boats, for example, was presumably made in preparation for the post-millennial world without internet, a flooded-earth scenario where the survivors would travel from island to island in hand-hewn boats at sunset. The 1999 Milestones Of Flight Calendar is a retrospective of what great heights we achieved, before the techno-plague wiped our silicon from the skies. And the Heavy Equipment 1998 Calendar showcased the end of our era of construction machinery. “This backhoe won’t work once the ‘puters get all broked!!” its cover screams, into the dying light of civilization.







TWTFS is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. We are not affiliated with the manufacturers whose products appear on TWTFS.