The Worst Things For Sale

Merry Christmas! It’s me, Ferret Santa! Look in your stocking! It’s 7 of your baby’s fingers!!!

The manufacturer of this CD from 1994 claims that listening to it can help your ADD, dyslexia, or other learning disorders. Unless it’s made of Adderall, I doubt that’s true.

If it’s made of Adderall, please tell me, by the way… no reason.

Sure, TractionSocks are $23,111 for three pairs ($3,851.33 for each sock, if you do the math) but the important features of them are frff, ffff, f, ff, and fff.

Apparently I’m not the first one to find these, as they have a number of reviews.

The picture above is from the manufacturer. I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean. You look at it and tell me.

The “Neck Genie” has mixed reviews (read the 21 one-star reviews for a portrait of its failures) but my favorite part, out of everything, is the picture of it above. That before and after has nothing to do with the springy thing, guys! You can achieve the same effect by moving your head forward and backward. Here, check this out.

Vegan Smythe is a vegan singer/songwriter. It’s common for musicians, artists, and literati to renounce eating meat for social, environmental, or health reasons. But Vegan Smythe only has one thing on his mind, and it’s the word “vegan.”

The lyrics to his song “Groovy Vegan Song” go “Vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan.” Nine times in a row. Listen to it, unless you don’t like bad things, in which case you’re not really in the right place to begin with.

I thought that mixing drinks with semen would be a niche market at best, but this book is the #21-best-selling title in the Bartending category. Don’t read the reviews unless you like people trying really hard to be funny, though.

If the coffee’s going in your colon, do you really need special enema coffee? It’s not like you have taste buds there.

Well, I don’t, anyway. If you do: I’m really sorry and I hope you like your ass coffee.