Ferret Hats


You can put a hat on a ferret. Ain’t against the law. Sure.

You can put a leash on a guinea pig. Ain’t no one gonna have fun, but, go for it.

The one thing you can’t do is put a leash on a ferret and take it outside. Soon as you cross that threshold, you just got a damn weasel on a rope.




The Hyperlip is a plastic ring you wedge in your mouth to keep your mouth hanging open. Why? The manufacturer doesn’t explain, but notes it’s a “great conversation starter.” It’s worth a peek for the picture of the old guy wearing one, if nothing else.

The Irish Weed-Smoking Toddler


This toddlers’ shirt is only available in sizes 2T through 4T, but you can always order big and wait for your kid to grow into it. If he’s a weed-smoking Irishchild, that is.

Should your child live a sober non-Irish life, but is instead married to a Mexican man, you can purchase him (or her) this “I (heart) My Mexican Husband” t-shirt for toddlers.

Mac’n'Cheese Body


If you want people to know that you’re primarily composed of macaroni & cheese, living in America would do the trick. So this shirt probably overstates the obvious. But if you want to make absolutely sure you communicate your carby-fat lifestyle to everyone else, a roll of mac’n'cheese-print duct tape would do the trick.

The Poop Hole


Finally, womens got some underwear that got a damn poop hole in them, so they can poop right out of it, no problem.

In the forest and need to drop a damn poop? I got you covered, ladies. Camo poophole underwear.

The Eternal Halloween


As sure as the Earth traces a helix ’round the Sun as our galaxy spirals out in the expansion of the universe, so does the icy hand of death await us all. A billion years of natural selection, branches of the evolutionary tree dividing and sub-dividing to eventually produce a dead dog on a kitchen counter. Children run from house to house as dusk falls, and life continues without the dachsund. A pancreas succumbs to a lifestyle of force-fed sugar. Two lives forever ripped asunder, their paths never again to cross, from a candy trade gone wrong. Such is Halloween, and life.    

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