The Reverse Peephole

peephole

The “Law Enforcement Reverse Peephole Viewer” ($75) lets someone look backwards through a peephole and see what’s going on inside. You are now aware that:

1. Law enforcement can look into your hotel room or apartment without you knowing.

2. Anyone with $75 can look into your hotel room or apartment without you knowing.



Mating With The Raptor, And Other Dinosaur Adult Fiction

mating-raptor

“Think you’ve bated to the good stuff?” the man asked me, taking a drag off his cigarette. The butt glowed orange, illuminating the dark alley. I nodded, and he laughed. “You haven’t even scratched the surface, kid.” He reached into his briefcase and handed me a copy of Mating With The Raptor. “This lady fucks a raptor. A dinosaur raptor. A real one, that’s alive.”

Shaking off my disbelief, I walked away, hurriedly tucking the dinoporn into my jacket pocket. “Wait,” he called after me. “You forgot something.” As I approached him once more, he handed me Mounted By The Gryphon, Ravished By The Triceratops, and Taken By The Pterodactyl. “Now get home before that boner of yours explodes and takes out a pedestrian.”



The Ice-Cream Lock

icecreamlock

The Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream lock is a cute idea, but seriously… if you don’t want to share a pint of ice cream, you can eat the whole thing. It’s only 1,400 calories. For shit’s sake, this is America. If you can’t put away 1,400 calories of ice cream in one sitting, you’re not even in the 50th-percentile of ice-cream eaters in this country.



Laser Music: Beamz By Flo

Now, you can live your dreams of being a star. As the manufacturer of Beams By Flo says in their infomercial (below), “Why spend thousands of dollars on frustrating music lessons?” Watch it only if you want to see the rapper Flo Rida try to sell people a laser-theremin that plays country music.

If it looks familiar, it’s because Beamz was originally sold in 2009 as “Beamz Pro”, and again in 2010 as “Beamz C4.” Like a wingnut politician, or a turd with too much fat, Beamz just keeps bobbing to the surface.

The Rollie Eggmaster

41yTKh6DepL._SX355_

The Rollie Eggmaster is a “vertical grill”. What this means is that you crack an egg down into this thing and put a stick in the liquid egg, and then you pull it out and it’s an egg popsicle. Which doesn’t sound that delicious, but boy, when you look at that egg popsicle, it…

egg-turd

…hmm, okay.



Potato Chips: Never Buy Them Again

never-buy-potato-chips

A bag of potato chips costs about three bucks. The potatoes you’d need to make a bag’s worth of potato chips cost about three bucks. The math doesn’t seem to be working out for me, as far as saving money by making your own potato chips.

But maybe there’s a land where you get potatoes and vegetable oil for free, and you can heat them on a stove that gets hot for free, and it doesn’t take all fucking night to cut potatoes up into thin slices, and then your greasy kitchen cleans itself. In that land, you’re definitely doing the right thing by making your own potato chips.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.