The Chalkboard Fantasy


These wall-chalkboards always exist in a fantasy land I think of as DreamEurope. You’re going to write farm-restaurant stuff on them in cursive, and your basket of fresh baguettes is obviously going to be right there, because you took your wicker basket to the fucking market, because this is DreamEurope. Your avocados are always in the imaginary stage between rock-hard and rotten, your berries never get moldy in the time it takes you to drive home from the grocery, and you always wash your dishes the day you use them, never going for weeks or even months eating hot dogs on paper plates because the thought of doing anything else makes your body feel so heavy you can’t move. The sun always shines, no one ever Brexits, and everyone speaks fluent English with a light French accent. I love DreamEurope.

Quotations From Chairman Trump



The only way this works as satire is if all you know about communism is that “it’s bad” and that the red book is “the bad book.” Then again, we’re so far into the worst election season of our lives that we’re all grasping at some way to explain what’s happening, trying to construct a logical explanation for our nation in 2016 other than “democracy has failed us.”

(An English translation of the original “little red book”, Quotations From Chairman Mao Tse-Tung, is still in print.)  

The Pistachiopener


Even if you were to ignore the fact that a pistachio that doesn’t open as it’s roasted is immature and doesn’t taste as good as a mature pistachio, the PistachiOpener solves a problem that doesn’t really exist. If you absolutely must eat the few nuts whose shells haven’t fully opened, you can take a half-shell from one you’ve already eaten and use it to pry the closed one open.

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