The Urban Spork

lewis-and-clark-spork

The Lewis N. Clark Urban Gear Spork is a stainless-steel folding spork. The lone review sadly points out that the spoon is too large, the tines of the fork are too rounded to pick up food, and the “knife” is a few serrations carved into the side of the spoon. Perhaps feeling sorry for the urban spork, they then gave it three stars.

The Stainless Steel Tactical Spork, a different product, isn’t much better, but it does come with a picture of the spork attached to the end of an assault rifle.



Mommee Coffee: The Coffee For Moms

mommee-coffee

Pregnant women are one of the most coveted demographics for capitalists. You will ruin your child’s entire life forever if you don’t buy the right products while pregnant, and there’s no better driver of commerce than fear. Enter Mommee Coffee, the pregnant woman’s coffee. Sure, you could drink regular decaf or half-caf coffee when you’re pregnant, but why risk drinking something cheap and widely available?

At least it probably tastes better than Third Trimester Tea.



The PanWaffle

panwaffle

The PanWaffle is a piece of cookware that you use to make a pancake-waffle. No, not pancakes and waffles. Just a pancake-waffle.

Pancakes are beloved for their fluffy, soft texture, and waffles are best when crisp, so I’d imagine a PanWaffle is neither. Not that, according to reviews, you can even use it without it falling apart.



Brainol Brain Pills

brainol

“Brainol” is a typical supplement advertised as making you think better and harder. It’s got the usual soup of St. John’s Wort, Huperzine A, DMAE, amino acids and B-vitamins. Several of the ingredients interact with prescription and over-the-counter medications, and their effects on qualities like “mental clarity” or “energy” have never been quantified in reputable studies.

The word “Natural” is not regulated by the FDA, meaning that any manufacturer of food or supplements can describe their product as such. This leads to Natural Brain Enhancers, a pill cheaper than Brainol, containing different brain ingredients altogether. The product Onnit Alpha Brain classes up the word natural by calling it “Earth Grown Botanicals,” an incredibly roundabout way of saying “plants.” Neuro Ignite shows a silhouette of gears literally turning inside someone’s head, and Brain Juice is a drinkable liquid which self-describes as “Energy for your brain.”

My far-and-away favorite, though, is Genius Mushrooms, a combination of three dried and powdered fungi species whose ad copy claims that “Humans share more DNA with mushrooms than with plants,” which may be technically true but is not relevant. (Humans also share more DNA with bonobos than plants, but we don’t eat them for brain power.) Despite this, neither cordyceps nor reishi have been proven to be efficacient in improving quantitative measurements of cognitive health in repeatable, controlled medical studies.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.