No, We Still Don’t Want A Segway

segway-mini-pro

The Segway salesman walks casually up to a group of kids on hoverboards and holds out the Segway Mini Pro. “Hey, you cool guys want to try out the next dope thing?” Getting no response, he continues. “It’s like the hoverboard, but it’s eight hundred bucks, and it’s… You use your phone to control it…” He tries to pull his phone out of his belt-holster, fumbles, and drops both the Segway and his phone as the teens laugh. “It’s fire,” he says, picking everything up. “Straight fire.”



Penis Lipstick

penis-lipstick

This box of 12 tubes of penis-shaped lipstick (check out the customer pictures if you can’t imagine with your mind what a penis-shaped lipstick would look like) is a little over a buck a tube. That’s pretty cheap, if you don’t mind the obvious downside to penis lipstick.



Super Mario Nursery

super-mario-nursery-lamp

Your baby, born in 2015 or 2016, will definitely understand and appreciate this $150 Super Mario wall lamp. There’s a picture of it lit up, in case that coaxes the money out of your e-wallet. More importantly, it’s “frequently sold with” a bevy of Super Mario wall decorations, like this and this, because what’s having a kid without making them live in the pixellated Nintendo hell-world of your own childhood?

Inhalable Caffeine

aero-shot-inhalable-caffeine

Companies love to make weird caffeine supplements, because caffeine is generally safe, and the profit margins are insane. Aero Shot (above) is a delivery device for powdered caffeine, apparently targeting the demographic of caffeine users who don’t like coffee, tea, sodas, pills, energy drinks, energy shots, caffeinated gum, Perky Jerky, or any of the other existing caffeine-delivery devices.

Regardless, if you’re judging caffeine products based on their names, it’s hard to beat Turbo Snort.



The Cupcake Corer

cupcake-corer

What’s a tool you’ll use in your kitchen again and again? Obviously, it’s “The Cupcake Corer.” It’s designed to cut the center out of a cupcake, which most of us have to do daily. Finally, the struggle is over. No more using the Treat Corer, a generic dessert-coring device not specifically designed for cupcakes.









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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.