Lullaby Phish (and more)

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I covered the Rockabye Baby series of cover albums last year. But for some reason, a new series, called Twinkle Twinkle Rock Star, has decided they want to compete with Rockabye Baby in making twinkling-bell covers of music that 30-year-olds like. It wouldn’t be worth mentioning at all if they hadn’t made a Phish-For-Babies album, but they did.

“Shhh, shhh,” the Phish dad says, as his child cries. “Just keep listening. You’ll get into it. Trust me. You’ll be a Phish-head any day now.” He picks up the ipod, clicks around for a moment, and sets it back down. “Phish isn’t the only jam band, either, kid. I’ve got a lullaby version of Widespread Panic that’ll really make you twirl in circles in a dirty field for hours.”           



Carnivor: The Meat Drink

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The 50 grams of protein in each of these Carnivor protein shots is made from approximately 6 ounces of raw lean beef. If you’re wondering “how can it taste good if you chemically process beef and condense it into four ounces of liquid?” the answer is that it doesn’t.

The thick, sickly-sweet liquid goes down your gullet without too much complaint, but then there’s the aftertaste. To condense the beef into liquid, it’s hydrolyzed, which means it’s treated with enzymes to chop the long beef protein strands into shorter pieces. This mix of amino acids and short proteins tastes remarkably similar to protein that’s broken down inside your own gastric system by largely the same process as the hydrolysis.

Which means: it’s vomit. It’s actual, honest-to-god beef vomit. If you ate six ounces of raw beef, let it digest a little bit, then horked it back up, mixed in a kool-aid packet, and sucked it back down, you’ve got Carnivor.

And if you bought the twelve-pack, you’ve still got 11 to go.



Nightmare Sex Christmas Is Here

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Why should seasonal sex-costumes be limited to Halloween? The women’s Sexy Mrs. Claus up there is about what you’d expect, and as usual, there’s a men’s equivalent, which is a sweater with mistletoe on the bottom, and an arrow that says to kiss the wearer’s dick.

But there is worse. Much worse than either of these. I present to you: the full-body, skin-tight spandex Santa suit. No clicking if you think you might have nightmares about a faceless Santa with a visible package.



Shithead Tripball’s Bad Book

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What happens when an educated man who hates non-straight people and the disabled takes high doses of psychedelics for fifteen straight years? Let’s start with “Two Human Species Exist: Their Hybrids Are Dyslexics, Homosexuals, Pedophiles, and Schizophrenics,” because then you’ll immediately understand why I was interested in Bruce Eldine Morton, Ph.D. This is clearly a nutcase book, and its premise, which is that left-brained and right-brained people are two separate human species, doesn’t even need to be specifically discredited. Research within the past few years has shown there is no “handedness” in brains, and that simple correlations of artistic or logical behavior with a particular side of the brain are not possible.

Dr. Bruce earned his Ph.D. in 1965, and completed his postdoctoral work at MIT and Harvard later in the 1960s. He worked professionally at several universities until his retirement in 1995. He clearly had his shit together, to some degree, to be able to do this. It wasn’t until I found his 2013 book “Psychedelic Visions From The Teacher” that I figured out how he came to the conclusion that homosexuals are from right-brained men having children with left-brained women: He tripped balls for 15 years straight. The description of the book describes how he “used psychedelic compounds to explore inner space” for fifteen years, which is also just about exactly the time period between when he retired and when he published this latest book.

It’s true that psychedelic experiences can give you a new perspective on life. But it’s also true that heavy use of serotonin receptor agonists, a class of drugs that encompasses nearly every known psychedelic compound, can permanently alter or diminish the brain’s cognitive ability. It’s not hard to imagine that fifteen years of constant use of illegal mental-powder has at least some chance of wrecking your ability to live in reality, even if you weren’t already a hateful shithead.

Or, as Dr. Bruce would put it, “Neuroreality: A Scientific Religion To Restore Meaning, Or How 7 Brain Elements Create 7 Minds And 7 Realities, Discoverer Of Triadism, Familial Polarity Galactic Big Bang Engines And The xDARP”, which also happens to be the title of his 2011 book.








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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.