Pickle Brine


If only there were a way to get pickle juice without buying a fancy bottle of pickle juice. Then these guys would be out of business.

Edit: After hours of research, I have concluded there is no such thing. You must buy the fancy bottle if you are to have pickle juice.

Fleshlight Launch


The Fleshlight Launch bills itself as the “Complete Automated Virtual Masturbator System,” and allows you to sync the motion of your Fleshlight to your computer via Bluetooth. The reviews are dismal, mentioning that the product comes apart during use, the Bluetooth disconnects, and the controls don’t work. You’ve already lost dignity by setting your computer up to pull your pud; having to click through menus and put your equipment back together while nude and lubed makes the situation exponentially worse.

(I’ve pixellated part of the product, but you probably know what a Fleshlight looks like by now. If you don’t, the uncensored pic is on the listing.)



Sapp is a concoction of birch-tree sap, apple juice, and “adaptogenic, immune-boosting chaga.” Extracts of the chaga mushroom have not been assessed in human trials, interact with several medications, and may cause kidney damage in frequent users, so “immune-boosting chaga” would not be how I’d describe this ingredient.

It’s “frequently bought together” with Maple Water, a bottled drink thankfully only containing maple sap.

Tespo Liquid Vitamin Dispenser


The Tespo is a countertop appliance into which you insert disposable pods, containing powdered multivitamins, which the machine mixes with water, and which you then drink. Its manufacturers push the idea that traditionally cheap, ubiquitous vitamin pills contain “junk,” a problem remedied by purchasing vitamin pods from Tespo. As you might expect, the machine itself has mixed reviews, with some customers saying that it broke quickly, and others pointing out that, like the Juicero, you can squeeze the vitamin powder out of the pods using your hands, obviating the need for the machine.

The Water Reminderer


This “smart” water pitcher reminds you to drink water eight times a day. An entire micro-industry has been built around the spurious idea that you need to consume eight glasses of water a day. No one knows for sure where this myth started, but it spread via Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram until everyone in the world shared and re-shared the need to drink 80 ounces of water per day.

The best I can tell, this came from a 1945 article in the peer-reviewed journal Nutrition Reviews, which I’ve excerpted below:


Of course, it’s less Pinteresting to say that the recommended daily allowance of water includes water contained in coffee, tea, soft drinks, and the food you eat. It doesn’t fit into the neatly-regimented food-nutty rules of people telling each other to “Eat Clean,” either. And it kills the idea of charging people to use an appa smart bottle, or a smart cup to remind them to drink water. But capitalism doesn’t thrive on healthy, sane people making rational decisions and living their lives without fear. You can’t sell health and happiness. You can tell people they’re not healthy and sell them the cure, though. Drink your water.


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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.