Potato Chips: Never Buy Them Again


A bag of potato chips costs about three bucks. The potatoes you’d need to make a bag’s worth of potato chips cost about three bucks. The math doesn’t seem to be working out for me, as far as saving money by making your own potato chips.

But maybe there’s a land where you get potatoes and vegetable oil for free, and you can heat them on a stove that gets hot for free, and it doesn’t take all fucking night to cut potatoes up into thin slices, and then your greasy kitchen cleans itself. In that land, you’re definitely doing the right thing by making your own potato chips.

Shaving Cream: Bacon


The joke, never quite funny, and already taken too far, now takes on a more sinister edge. We are now trapped in our bacon future. Everything smells dead, salty, crispy. Nothing is untainted by the scent, the texture, the colors of hog-drippings. The animals eat our trash, and we eat them, and we are the trash. “Throw us away,” we shout in unison, and history obliges.

The Himalayan Salt Lamp


This lamp “purifies” the air by supposedly releasing negative ions. It’s made of “Himalayan salt”, which is actually mined over 150 miles away from the Himalayan mountains, in Pakistan.

Turning on a fifteen-watt light bulb inside a chunk of salt will not release negative ions from the salt. The chunk of salt is composed mostly of sodium (positive) and chloride (negative) ions. If you wanted to pull the negative chloride ions off and release them, you’d need to heat the lump of salt to around 800 degrees Celsius to melt it, and then run an electric current through the molten salt, which would release chlorine gas. This process would also leave you with molten sodium metal, which reacts violently to both air and water.

This lamp does not release toxic chlorine gas. Nor does it release molten, flaming elemental sodium. Which may be why it’s received mostly positive reviews despite the lack of actual negative ions.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.