Caffeine Lube, Caffeine Shampoo


Pjur Espresso is a lube which contains a small amount of caffeine. It’s doubtful you would absorb enough caffeine from it through your skin or mucous membranes to feel the typical effects of ingesting caffeine (and reports say that it’s especially bitter-tasting, if you’re planning on chugging it.) Like most non-edible caffeinated products, it doesn’t do what you’re hoping it would do, and is both more expensive and less pleasant than drinking a coffee or a soda.

I did find one topical caffeine product, though, which has scientifically-proven data to back up its claims: caffeine shampoo can induce a small increase in hair growth, per an article in the British Journal of Dermatology. So Alpecin Shampoo, which contains 5000mg of caffeine in its tiny 250mL (approx 8-fl. oz) bottles, can blast your hair follicles with an enormous dose of caffeine without very much of it entering your bloodstream. The average cup of coffee contains 100-150mg of caffeine, which means that if a significant amount of it DID enter your bloodstream through your scalp, you’d suffer an acute caffeine overdose from using Alpecin.

This is the same reason why caffeinated soap doesn’t work very well (here’s my previous writeup, if you’re curious as to how much caffeine you actually absorb through your skin, and how long it takes.)

Fuck Off Socks


The motorcyclist pulled up next to my car and tapped on my window. I rolled it down. Leaning back onto the bike, he swung his leg up, propping his heel on the handlebar. Then he held eye contact with me, wordlessly, as he pulled his road jeans up slowly, inch by inch, until the sock’s FUCK OFF! message was revealed. I nodded, and satisfied, he sat back, revved his loud machine, and farted away.

Scientifically-Incorrect Periodic-Table Merchandise


Demographically targeted at people who “fucking love science” but don’t love it enough to have learned anything about it, the Periodic BeEr Glass points out that two unrelated elements spell the word beer if you put their periodic-table entries next to each other. The Periodic LuNCH Box does the same, with different elements, for the same reason.

Instead of an explanation of why finding patterns in letters isn’t relevant to science, I’ll point out something mildly interesting: you can buy a tiny amount of erbium (Er) online if you want it for some reason. It’s worth around $5 a gram in bulk. Lutetium, the “Lu” in LuNCH Box, is worth around $340 a gram, roughly ten times the price of gold, and is rare enough that it’s not commonly resold to people online who just want a vial of it for some reason. But the most expensive element in the world right now is the radioactive isotope Californium-252. Only eight grams total of this element have been refined since its discovery in 1950, and each one of those eight grams is worth around $27,000,000.00.

Of course, if you just want something radioactive, you can buy a chunk of radioactive uranium oxide for twenty bucks.


Not For Cocaine


Describing this as “(Not For Cocaine)”  is a nice way to ensure your paraphernalia visible for the keywords cocaine and snorting. I wonder if the old “do you have something to put in here” works for cocaine accessories, too.

I mean… not-for-cocaine accessories.  

Alex Chiu’s Immortality Rings


Most scams come and go, but Alex Chiu has been selling his “Immortality Rings” online since the 90s. They’re magnets which you fasten to your little fingers with the plastic rings, as shown here, and, obviously, that makes you immortal, because of energy. When I first saw them on Web 1.0, accompanied by blinking text and webrings, the rings were his only product. Now, he’s expanded to black rings and foot braces, the latter of which comes with a warning that “these items are not made for comfort.” But we’re talking about immortality, not comfort. If you want to live forever, you got to strap on your damn magnets.

(Thanks to @dril for reminding me that these exist.)  

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