Tweexy: A Solution In Search Of A Problem

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If you paint your own nails, you might look at the manufacturer’s instructions for using Tweexy to hold your nail polish bottle (it’s here, on the listing) and think it’s a great idea. In practice, strapping a bottle of nail polish to your fingers and then trying to paint those fingers from behind the Tweexy is a nightmare, and you’re probably more likely to spill it than if you’d just set the bottle on a table.



The Reversible USB Cable

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In theory, this reversible USB cable might be handy, if you have trouble plugging in a regular USB cable due to the fact that there’s a right-side-up and a wrong-side-up. But looking at the end of a cable before you plug it in is free, and so is using a marker to put a dot on the right-side-up side of the USB cable you already own.



The Creepiest ASMR Video Guy

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ASMR, or “Autonomous sensory meridian response,” is a lot of words to describe recording yourself making noise on a stereo microphone and then making other people listen to it. This man, who I’ve unfairly yet accurately dubbed Mr. Creepy, makes dozens of ASMR videos. The covers always feature him staring into the camera, the shadow of a grin flashing across his face, as if he knows something you do not, like, perhaps, that he masturbates to the sound of himself scratching and tapping a cardboard box. Or crinkling a plastic bag. Or swishing a makeup brush on a microphone while the microphone is recording. Staring into the camera the whole time, sometimes whispering.

If you feel a shiver run down your spine, it’s not some kind of unique biological stimulation. It’s your brain trying to tell you that someone’s about to murder you.

Make sure you watch a few seconds of the Ear Cleaning ASMR video (pictured above) if you want to grasp the true size of this horror.



Crayon And Other Scents

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Demeter perfumes generally smell exactly like what’s on the bottle. “Chocolate Chip Cookie” smells eerily like a freshly-baked cookie. “Tomato” smells exactly like a tomato, which is fine, if that’s what you want. And “Bonfire” smells like you’ve been outside next to a pile of burning wood.

But I’ve always been mystified why you’d want to put on their “Dirt” fragrance. It smells like dirt from the ground. Or “Cannabis Flowers.” Or “Suntan Lotion.” Or “Poison Ivy.” And now they have a “Play-Doh” scent. And “Crayon.” That’s actually what they smell like, too. Who is wearing crayon? Where do you wear crayon?

(autotune voice) IM IN THE CLUB SMELLIN LIKE CRAYON

The Eggstractor: Our Problem With Eggs

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The longer I write here, and the more egg-related items I find, it’s become clear that no one can deal with eggs. The Eggstractor is a plastic contraption that’s supposed to remove the shells from hard-boiled eggs. According to the 124 one-star reviews, though, it doesn’t work. The real reason I’m showing you The Eggstractor is for this random guy’s homemade commercial for the Eggstractor, where he takes two minutes to show you how to use it. It even includes this egg-shaped microwave egg cooker.

Ultimately, though, we have to reflect: what is it about humans that makes eating an egg so difficult? It’s not the egg’s fault. A chicken doesn’t wake up in the morning and hatch a plot to make us create, sell, and then use the Rollie Eggmaster to levitate a turd-shaped cooked egg out of a metal hole. There’s no reason for you to cook an egg in an Egg Genie and then push it into the Egg Cuber to make the egg a cube. You simply go outside, pick the chicken up, and as the egg slides out, you catch it in your mouth, crunching it, and then spitting the shell out as you would a sunflower seed.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.