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The Flying Motor Jetpack: This Is How You Die

 

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How will you die? The mystery lingers over all of us, with a panoply of ailments and accidents we dare not speak for fear it would curse us to the same fate. But for those who buy this backpack attached to a gas engine and giant propeller, the answer is clear: You will hit a cliff, you will fall, the blades will lacerate you. You will drown in the ocean. You will become trapped in a tree. The details are up for debate, but at the end of it all, you will die as a result of hooking a parachute and propeller to yourself.



Presidential Erotica

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I’ve already covered Abraham Lincoln: Presidential Fuck Machine, but this election cycle brings new subjects for presidential adult fiction. Trump Temptations is a popper-laced ten-page work of gay Donald Trump fiction. Feeling The Bernie is largely the same, but with Bernie Sanders as its subject. And, similarly, Secrets Of State, Exposed: Hillary’s Personal Emails is a work of fiction where Hillary reveals her affair with Russian head of state Vladimir Putin through poorly-written emails on her private server.

The worst, and most bizarre, is probably The Many Hues Of Ted Cruz, which involves the title character fucking a bunch of crayons. No, I don’t know how that works. You can “Look Inside” and see for yourself, if you must.



The Gamer’s Mug

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For those unable to complete any task unless it is tied to a game-based accomplishment, this “gamer mug” offers you a cheery “LEVEL COMPLETE” message at the bottom, when you finish your drink. The good gamer boy finished his juice! 50 points for the good gamer boy! And you’ll get 50 more if you can resist Tweeting at someone saying you’re going to assault them and burn their house down!

Hungry for Mario Cereal or Call Of Soupty? There is, as you would probably imagine, a matching Gamer Bowl.



Caffeine Lube, Caffeine Shampoo

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Pjur Espresso is a lube which contains a small amount of caffeine. It’s doubtful you would absorb enough caffeine from it through your skin or mucous membranes to feel the typical effects of ingesting caffeine (and reports say that it’s especially bitter-tasting, if you’re planning on chugging it.) Like most non-edible caffeinated products, it doesn’t do what you’re hoping it would do, and is both more expensive and less pleasant than drinking a coffee or a soda.

I did find one topical caffeine product, though, which has scientifically-proven data to back up its claims: caffeine shampoo can induce a small increase in hair growth, per an article in the British Journal of Dermatology. So Alpecin Shampoo, which contains 5000mg of caffeine in its tiny 250mL (approx 8-fl. oz) bottles, can blast your hair follicles with an enormous dose of caffeine without very much of it entering your bloodstream. The average cup of coffee contains 100-150mg of caffeine, which means that if a significant amount of it DID enter your bloodstream through your scalp, you’d suffer an acute caffeine overdose from using Alpecin.

This is the same reason why caffeinated soap doesn’t work very well (here’s my previous writeup, if you’re curious as to how much caffeine you actually absorb through your skin, and how long it takes.)









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