24k-gold vibrator


This 24k-gold vibrator claims to be “Luxurious for that dressy but boring party.” If you’re going to a party where you’re using an insanely expensive vibrator covered in 24-karat gold, I don’t think it would be too boring. But maybe I go to the wrong parties.

(Un-pixellated image is on the product listing. I shouldn’t have to pixellate this to show it here, but blame society, not me.)

Fetal Pigs


I blurred this because some people are sensitive to dead animals. Anyway, I thought this “fetal pig” was going to be like veal, but it just tasted like formaldehyde or something. Disgusting. At least it didn’t come with a bunch of scalpels like “Pig In A Box” did.

Baby Monkey: The Hell Baby


I don’t know the kind of person who collects creepy-ass monkey dolls, so I won’t speculate. But I’m guessing it’s the same kind of person who collects reborn baby dolls, which are incredibly realistic (and expensive) lifelike newborn babies. A whole mini-economy exists for these dolls, with collectors spending tens of thousands on dolls, parts, accessories, and some dedicating entire rooms of their house to fake babies.

While collecting realistic human dolls speaks of loss and loneliness, I can’t quite put my finger on what would drive you to buy a horrifying orangutan-baby-in-human-clothes doll. An excess of money could have easily been dumped into a new kitchen, a nice car, or a long-range aerial drone with GPS. You can’t send that orangutan up in the air to take bad-ass pictures of your neighborhood.

But, then again, you can’t get ebola from flying a sweet quadcopter. Strap on your animatronic chimpanzee head (with “sounds of the wild”) and get out there in the world and be a monkey’s mom.

Whole-House Neutralizer


The manufacturers of this absurdly-expensive plug claim that it’s an “EMF Neutralizer” which works across your entire house. That’s impossible, of course, because the main source of EMF in any house with electrical outlets is the 60Hz alternating current available in every room. But that doesn’t stop customers from recommending it to each other, with one even saying “I had my chiropractor test this out.”

If you’ve got a mental problem that makes you think phantom electrical signals are hurting your mind and body, then there’s a more expensive option: the Stetzerizer Microsurge Meter allows you to “measure” these signals. It claims to measure high-frequency noise and harmonics, but instead of reading out in THD (or another relevant unit) the device shows a three-digit number with no units. Despite this, it’s well-rated by its users, one of whom claims “I hear the filters literally zapping the dirty electricity.”

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