21 November, 2014
“Safer than antibiotics,” says one reviewer of Flu Immune, unaware that influenza isn’t a type of bacteria, or that the vaccine to prevent it doesn’t contain antibiotics.
It’s terrible, but at least it’s not “ER 911″, which is a vial of some sort of liquid which the manufacturer claims will heal “emotional trauma.” Somehow, one reviewer of ER 911 claims that it healed her broken ankle. Another one dumps it in her pets’ water bowl.
20 November, 2014
Undeterred by their lack of success, and unaware that the charm in low-budget movies is their sincerity, the creators went on to make two sequels. Thankskilling 2 is nowhere to be found, but Thankskilling 3 is free to watch on Prime Instant Video, if you want to commit 100 minutes of your life to aggressive mediocrity.
19 November, 2014
For years, unscrupulous home-and-garden businesses have been selling fake “blue strawberry seeds” online. The structure of this scam is that by the time you plant the seeds and wait for the plant to grow, you can no longer get a refund on your payment. That’s the seller’s product picture, up there. Here’s the stock image they altered to create the blue strawberries:
Similar scams exist for black strawberries.
That’s the seller’s image. Here’s the original picture.
18 November, 2014
There is no joy in microwaving yourself a small cake. The food may be edible, and your body will dutifully extract energy and nutrients from it, but it remains joyless. I posted about depression cooking before, but the tiny pan that cooks one egg pales in sadness to making yourself a tiny, mushy cake in a mug.
17 November, 2014
“This product did not work at all,” one reviewer complained about Weight Gain Formula, a pill which claims to cause ass-based weight gain after taking it for six to eight weeks. Of course it didn’t! You’ll need to eat more and exercise less if you want to gain weight. The thermodynamics of fat storage are well-studied.
“Major Curves Butt Enhancement Dietary Supplement” has received similar complaints, along with a customer review saying “My man said my but feel heavier”, which they didn’t seem to construe as an enhancement.
“Brand New Booty” works equally well (i.e. not at all) and comes with the benefit of a rap-inspired bottle design and a higher price. Personally, though, I think the best butt-product of all is Butt Enhancement Cream, which comes with a weirdly uninspiring butt pic posted by a customer. With an ass like that, who would doubt it’s the most expensive ass-scam available online?
16 November, 2014
Some asshole took the entire text of the King James Bible and word-replaced “God” with the phrase “SOME MADE UP GUY.” He’s released almost 300 other bible-derivatives, each of which replaces the word “God” with a millennial’s name. “In the beginning, Isabella created the heaven and the earth,” begins The Holy Isabella Bible. As they’ve done since the beginning of religion, atheists go out of their way to prove that the only thing worse than someone who disagrees with your fundamental ideas about the universe is an asshole who agrees with you.