The Worst Things For Sale

Speaking of television, you probably already know this, but a $2,000 HDMI cable is exactly as good as a $6 HDMI cable. The audio and video signals it carries are digital and you don’t need complicated shielding or special wire unless you have to thread your cable through a microwave oven on its way from your DVR to your television. All of this is beside the point that a cable won’t make a shitty movie better.

Speaking of television, you probably already know this, but a $2,000 HDMI cable is exactly as good as a $6 HDMI cable. The audio and video signals it carries are digital and you don’t need complicated shielding or special wire unless you have to thread your cable through a microwave oven on its way from your DVR to your television.

All of this is beside the point that a cable won’t make a shitty movie better.

Tired of the crystal-clear picture on contemporary 1080p HD televisions? Hate having something light and thin enough to hang on the wall? Then this Sony 53” projection TV may be the thing for you. Weighing in at 220 pounds, it’ll bring you back to the halcyon days of 2006. Maybe you can watch Flavor of Love on it!

Tired of the crystal-clear picture on contemporary 1080p HD televisions? Hate having something light and thin enough to hang on the wall? Then this Sony 53” projection TV may be the thing for you. Weighing in at 220 pounds, it’ll bring you back to the halcyon days of 2006. Maybe you can watch Flavor of Love on it!

It’s a good thing they made a special LED light to hook to my faucet so I can tell if the water is hot or cold by looking at the light. Before this came along I had to touch the water with my hand, which was really complicated.

It’s a good thing they made a special LED light to hook to my faucet so I can tell if the water is hot or cold by looking at the light. Before this came along I had to touch the water with my hand, which was really complicated.

How many times are you going to bake a beehive cake? How often do you need a beehive cake pan? I know not everyone is a Cake Boss, or Cake Warrior, or Bitch Cake, or whatever the newest cake-based reality show is called, so not everyone can carve a beehive out of a square cake. But you don’t need this pan, regardless. Purchasing this beehive pan will either turn you into “that beehive cake lady” when you make a beehive cake for every occasion, or “Mr. I Can’t Store Anything In My Cabinet Because My Beehive Cake Pan Takes Up All The Room.”

How many times are you going to bake a beehive cake? How often do you need a beehive cake pan? I know not everyone is a Cake Boss, or Cake Warrior, or Bitch Cake, or whatever the newest cake-based reality show is called, so not everyone can carve a beehive out of a square cake. But you don’t need this pan, regardless.

Purchasing this beehive pan will either turn you into “that beehive cake lady” when you make a beehive cake for every occasion, or “Mr. I Can’t Store Anything In My Cabinet Because My Beehive Cake Pan Takes Up All The Room.”

I don’t know who Vera Bradley is, but her purses have killed more boners than “Forever Lazy.” This lady is flying unmanned drones into Bonerstan and laying waste. I’m not saying that regular purses chub me out, but let’s face it, if someone is carrying one of these, they’ve either got pictures of their grandchildren inside or it’s stuffed full of Activia.

I don’t know who Vera Bradley is, but her purses have killed more boners than “Forever Lazy.” This lady is flying unmanned drones into Bonerstan and laying waste. I’m not saying that regular purses chub me out, but let’s face it, if someone is carrying one of these, they’ve either got pictures of their grandchildren inside or it’s stuffed full of Activia.

Nutella is readily available in grocery stores across the country, so why you’d need eleven pounds of it in a single giant tub is anyone’s guess. Sure, it’s delicious, like any other combination of sugar and fat, but eleven pounds of Nutella has 27,000 calories. That’s two weeks’ worth of meals. Not two weeks of dinner, but two weeks of your entire caloric consumption, period. It’s also worth noting that Nutella is only 13% hazelnuts and 7.4% cocoa. The majority of it is sugar and palm oil. If you want an authentic Italian hazelnut spread, Crema Alla Nocciola is 45% hazelnuts. It comes in a seven-ounce tub, too, so if you want to destroy your metabolism with it, you’ll have to suffer the indignity of manually entering a quantity of twenty-five tubs.

Nutella is readily available in grocery stores across the country, so why you’d need eleven pounds of it in a single giant tub is anyone’s guess. Sure, it’s delicious, like any other combination of sugar and fat, but eleven pounds of Nutella has 27,000 calories. That’s two weeks’ worth of meals. Not two weeks of dinner, but two weeks of your entire caloric consumption, period.

It’s also worth noting that Nutella is only 13% hazelnuts and 7.4% cocoa. The majority of it is sugar and palm oil. If you want an authentic Italian hazelnut spread, Crema Alla Nocciola is 45% hazelnuts. It comes in a seven-ounce tub, too, so if you want to destroy your metabolism with it, you’ll have to suffer the indignity of manually entering a quantity of twenty-five tubs.

If you’ve been on the internet for more than thirty seconds in the past year, you’ve probably seen Rachael Ray’s “Late Night Bacon” recipe, which I won’t bother linking, because it just says to microwave bacon on a plate, and you have Google. Continuing her dominance of the culinary world’s cutting edge is Rachael Ray’s Garbage Bowl, which is a special $20 bowl you’re supposed to buy to put your scraps in. If you peel carrots at the counter, Rachael Ray says to put the shavings in this bowl. I don’t know why. You put scraps in the trash, right? I mean, you personally, as a human being? Customers who bought this item also bought about 70 other overpriced, unnecessary Rachael Ray-branded items. I didn’t exaggerate when I said 70 other items, either. You gotta click through and look at this enormous load of shit so I don’t spend the whole next week talking about how you don’t need a $20 oil bottle because when you buy the oil it already comes in a fucking bottle.

If you’ve been on the internet for more than thirty seconds in the past year, you’ve probably seen Rachael Ray’s “Late Night Bacon” recipe, which I won’t bother linking, because it just says to microwave bacon on a plate, and you have Google.

Continuing her dominance of the culinary world’s cutting edge is Rachael Ray’s Garbage Bowl, which is a special $20 bowl you’re supposed to buy to put your scraps in. If you peel carrots at the counter, Rachael Ray says to put the shavings in this bowl. I don’t know why. You put scraps in the trash, right? I mean, you personally, as a human being?

Customers who bought this item also bought about 70 other overpriced, unnecessary Rachael Ray-branded items. I didn’t exaggerate when I said 70 other items, either. You gotta click through and look at this enormous load of shit so I don’t spend the whole next week talking about how you don’t need a $20 oil bottle because when you buy the oil it already comes in a fucking bottle.

“I have to poop! HAW! HAW HAW!” someone, somewhere laughs, and then clicks BUY MUG. When I see things like this I wonder about the buyer. I wonder what this person thinks about at night, right before they’re going to sleep, what their hopes are, what they envision for their future, and what they envision for their family’s future. Probably pooping.

“I have to poop! HAW! HAW HAW!” someone, somewhere laughs, and then clicks BUY MUG.

When I see things like this I wonder about the buyer. I wonder what this person thinks about at night, right before they’re going to sleep, what their hopes are, what they envision for their future, and what they envision for their family’s future. Probably pooping.