Sexy Costumes For The Women Of 2014

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In this year’s rundown of sexy women’s Halloween costumes, I’ve posted the women’s costume on the left, and the men’s costume (i.e. how the character actually looks) on the right. Just in case you thought the main character from Monsters Inc. had exposed, tanned thighs showing between his short skirt and leg-warmers.

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“Gotta go… fast,” Sonic The Woman Hedgehog sighed, slipping on her ankle-warmers and three-inch heels.

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I could show you sexy women’s versions of what men are doing all day.

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Just like society.

Liquid Trust


“Liquid Trust” is a tiny, expensive bottle of body spray that contains oxytocin, designed to make other people trust you when they smell you. It doesn’t work in this way, since oxytocin is not very volatile (i.e. it doesn’t go from liquid to gaseous phase and disperse in the air.) You won’t experience any effects from the oxytocin yourself, either, since it doesn’t readily absorb through skin and wouldn’t cross the blood-brain barrier even if it did.

If you’re looking for a way for people to like you and trust you more, I’d suggest you try to be less of an asshole.

Infant Circumcision Trainer


(The picture has been pixellated here to comply with society’s weird penis standards, but you can see the uncensored version on the manufacturer’s listing.)

Ritual male circumcision is no longer as popular as it once was in the United States, which is good, as the foreskin, which is removed in a circumcision, serves several important penis-related functions. It’s probably good that doctors who are asked to perform this unnecessary surgery on babies have practice, but its existence in 2014 just goes to show you how hard it is to wipe out a superstitious penis belief.

There’s a similar circumcision trainer for adults, but since adults can give consent to voluntary surgery, it’s not nearly as terrible.

The Worst Halloween Candy of 2014


While it’s hard for retailers to eclipse the sick mediocrity of a Tootsie Roll or Bit O’Honey, they continue to try, year after year, to turn the ephemeral sugar-based joy of candy into a hell-torture. Mars has introduced Candy Apple M&Ms, which have the texture and flavor of a crunchy fall-scented candle. They’re meant as a companion to Pumpkin Spice M&Ms, which, like everything else “pumpkin spice”, taste mostly of soap and faintly of nutmeg.

If it’s okay to cheat and use candy from outside the Land Of The Free, then I’d go with the Green Tea Kit Kats from Japan. They bring out the weedy chlorophyll-taste of matcha, with none of the deep herbal undertones or bitterness that offsets its taste. It’s matched with stale wafer fillings and poured into a Kit-Kat mold, in an apparent attempt to mock the chocolate version.

But, truly, my least favorite of this year’s candy has to be the Hershey’s Candy Corn Creme, which combines the waxy non-taste of candy corn with Hershey’s signature chemically-treated cocoa butter. To eat more than half of one of these tiny bars would mean you’d be that level of hungry where you look at another person and see a ham, steam gently wisping from its surface as you lick your chops.

If you’re that desiring of sugar without taste, quantity without quality, then you might as well order a 17-lb pail of marshmallow creme and tie it onto your face like a feed bag. “I work at sugar now,” you’ll tell your boss, as she tries to pull the bucket from your face. “Marshmallows is my boss and my job is eating marshmallows.” You might get fired, and develop a metabolic problem by the time you reach the bottom, but at least it’s not flavored like candy corn.

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