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Sea Monkeys: A New Generation Of Disappointment

sea-monkeys

Sea Monkeys have been around since the 1950s, and for most of their existence, they were cheap in their disappointment. You spent three bucks ($9 these days) and got a plastic tank and a packet with dessicated shrimp that “magically” came back to life when you dumped them into water. (The scientific term is cryptobiosis – the eggs enter a state of suspended animation when removed from water and resume their life cycle when rehydrated.)

Not content with this cheap disappointment, the manufacturer has released a $49 projector-tank so you can see a shadow play by your tiny, disgusting crustaceans. Watch them float around in water, eating the tiny pieces of yeast you feed them! Watch them… uh… exist… alive… maybe! Watch the dead ones exist very similarly to the alive ones! Like most of the American dreams from the 1950s, it was a brazen lie, perpetrated by brazen profiteers, yet continues to beguile our society to this day.

ASDF: A Default Item Name

asdf-autosexual

There are dozens of items titled “ASDF” for sale online. Here’s a selection of them:

“ASDF” by S. Ashton: A $6.89 paperback which appears to only contain IRS publication 10311G, the instructions for filing your federal 2012 tax return.

“ASDF: An Autosexual Odyssey”: A 398-page work of cyber-erotica which begins “Seldom do I post poetry to my blog, but”.

asdf: An audio CD available for $1.08 with a review from 2004 stating “I would recommend this CD for anyone who is into QWERTY.”

ASDF: A toy car that costs $51.82.

“ASDF: A Novelette”: a book whose author compares it to Finnegan’s Wake, which is probably true. It’s probably a lot like Finnegan’s Wake.

“asdf” by asdfasdf: A book which will be released January 1, 3333. No cover image yet, for obvious reasons.

“asdf [Single]“: A cassette single whose only picture is that of a chess set. It’s $24.18, and also out of stock.



Cheetahmen II: A Horrible Video Game

cheetahmen

Cheetahmen II is the sequel to the terrible game Cheetahmen, released in the early 90s on a Nintendo cartridge called “Action 52.” This was a cartridge which held 52 different terrible games, and retailed for $199. For a single game. I remember renting this piece of shit when I was a kid and feeling cheated out of two bucks. Plunking down almost two hundo would have been emotionally shattering. Cheetahmen was one of the 52 games on there, and it was as horrible as the other 51, being mostly un-fun and somewhat unplayable. Keep in mind that in 1992, your other options for fun, apart from Nintendo, were playing outside or watching TV, so it wasn’t competing against much, but it still lost.

The manufacturers decided to make a sequel, and cranked out Cheetahmen II, which, despite the fact that it’s reportedly worse than the first game, is now a collectible, selling for almost $400. I can’t believe this shitty game is still haunting the world. If we can’t get rid of Cheetahmen, we don’t have a chance at conquering true injustice.







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