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Teddy Tank

 

teddy-tank

The Teddy Tank is a toy marketed to children which has a plastic fish-tank in the belly of a teddy bear. The manufacturer claims it’s “two toys in one,” but of course, you can’t do anything with the bear, since it’s full of water, and a fish is not a toy. This bad idea will invariably end with the death of a fish, some dirty fish-water on your carpet, and a crying child.

Your Brain Is Primarily Occupied By Advertising

Halloween is a time of dreams, when we can be anything or anyone we choose to be. And the United States of America is a country where we eat big, drive big, and we damn sure dream big. We don’t “dress up” for Halloween. We “be” for Halloween. Kids ask themselves, “What are you going to be for Halloween?” It’s a linguistic tip of the hat to the idea that the spookiest of holidays is for transformation, beyond our earthly means. So… what do you want to be for Halloween?

progressive

I want to be an insurance commercial for Halloween!

burger-king

I want to be a hamburger commercial for Halloween!

geico-caveman

I want to be a different insurance commercial for Halloween!

wendys-wig

I want to be a different hamburger commercial for Halloween!

Unless you’ve lived without popular media for the last decade, you know who these characters are. And the next time your neighbor says hello, but you don’t know their name (let alone anything about them) remember that you know characters from commercials better than you know the actual people who sleep thirty or fifty feet from you, every night, for years.



Dog Bluetooth

whistle-dog-activity

The Whistle Activity Monitor For Dogs is a bluetooth collar that pairs with your phone, allowing you to track your dog’s food intake and exercise habits. If you’ve been struggling to micro-manage your dog’s carefree, happy life of treats and running around the yard to sniff things, this is the e-dingle for you. Plug your dog’s stats into the app and hitch them to your hell-existence of daily data entry.

At least it’s not as expensive as the Tractive GPS Pet Tracker, whose apparent use is to enable you to let your dog wander around freely all day, coming back only at night for device syncing and data transfer.



Craft Beer, Craft Bikes

bike-beer-holster

Do you need a way to combine your hobby of riding an expensive bike with drinking expensive beer? Now you can do it in a more meaningful way than loading your gut up with Crazy John’s Double Dick India Pale Ale and cruising through a gentrified neighborhood on your fixie. The absurdly expensive Fyxation Bicycle Carrier lets you carry six bottles of beer on your bike, for whatever reason it occurs to you to do that.

(The same company makes a leather bike-holster for a bottle of wine, if you’re low-carbing.)



Obama: The Halloweening

barely-obama-mask

Since I can still get Nixon masks down at the seasonal Halloween store, it’s likely these Obama masks will be around for decades to come, perhaps even when Cyber-Jayden announces in his 2034 State Of The Union speech, “America, you have all of my feels. I can’t even.” So it’s not exactly timely for costume manufacturers to be releasing the “Barely-’Bama” (above), the no-eyes Creepy Obama, or the giant, flat “Your eyes look through his nose Obama” mask, but they know their market will be buying these for a long time.

If you’re going for lack-of-realism, the Obama Party Face is the winner, though it’s the Obama-combos which take the cake. The “Barakula Mask” depicts our head of state as a pointy-eared vampire, which is at least half of an effort, but my favorite (i.e. worst) is the Obama Pumpkin Head Mask, which combines the President’s face with a pumpkin, for no apparent reason.









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