Sometimes I’ll see a product and immediately know that someone thought of a title first, and then said “I could make a thing called that.” The book Pornogami is one of those products.
The origami in the upper-left is called “Breasts”, to give you an idea of how unsuccessful the execution of this idea turned out. You can flip through the preview of the book to see “Rope”, “Condom”, “Sperm”, “Penis” and “3-D Penis” if you don’t believe me, though.
The “Grilled Pizza Cone” is perfect for the person who likes pizza ingredients, but wants a way to make sure they don’t lose any of that orange pizza grease. The low-surface-area design means the ingredients won’t get browned. They’ll be bathed in that delicious orange grease.
This “exercise kit” is two plastic pads you stand on, and slide around on, on the carpet, to exercise. It’s $29.95, which is a great price for two flat pieces of plastic.
You need to read the manufacturer’s description of what kind of fitness you’ll get by sliding around on these plastic pieces. It’s a core workout, AND better than “any machine”, AND you can use it at the gym. Because that’s what you need after spending thirty bucks on eight cents of plastic. You need the people rolling around on those big red bouncy balls to look at you and think, “Wow, I am definitely not doing the worst and dumbest exercise in this building at this moment.”
In case you missed it, my new project with Natalie Dee is called Garbage Brain University, and we’re publishing a weekly NEWSLETTER PLUS PODCAST, each one full of weird facts and stories. You can listen to “I Accidentally Murdered A Squirrel” and “The Mailman Kissed My Mail” at garbagebrainuniversity.com and drop your email in there to get our weekly updates.
The next time you want to give your dog a special treat, strap on a latex glove and express the hell out of his anal glands. It’s cheaper and the dog won’t wonder why you’re always chugging beef broth when you watch TV after work.
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