Beaker Wine Glass

wine-glass-beaker

The labeling on this glass is backwards – when you pour liquid into a container, the volume starts at zero and goes up. At least it doesn’t say “W-I-Ne” as if wine is a collection of tungsten, iodine, and neon, like this wine glass.



Haha throw poop

doody-head-game

“Throw poopoo,” one executive said, and giggled. “Hahah throw poopies.”

The other, pacing around the room, furrowed his brow in thought for a moment. Then, his face lit with inspiration. “Haha throw poopies at HEAD! Poopy sticks to your head! Pooooooooooooopoooooooo!” The first executive leapt from his seat, held hands with the second and began to dance, kicking his heels high in the air. “Haha, doody game, poop on your head!” he cried. “Doody head, put doodies on your head, poop on your head,” laughed the second, careening through the conference room hand-in-hand with the first.



LitterMate, the self-cleaning litter box

littermaid-self-cleaning-litter-box

The LitterMaid, a self-cleaning litter box, would be a great idea. Except that it doesn’t work at all. It has over 300 negative reviews, stating that the motor’s too weak, the replaceable parts are too expensive, and the tines on the shit-rake break off easily when they try to clean your cat’s turds.

If you’re looking for a solution to having a sandy box of cat turds in your house, you might skip the LitterMate and the PetZoom (a plastic patch of astroturf) and just teach your cat to crap in the regular toilet.

The Ten-Pound Toblerone

ten-pound-toblerone

This Toblerone bar weighs 9.9 pounds, or, for our metric friends, 4.5 kilos. It’s not that the chocolate is bad, and the manufacturer does their best to convince you to share it, but we all know the fate of these 4,500 grams of chocolate. They’re all going inside a single person. You, if you buy it.

Can you control your insatiable urge for sugar, salt, and fat? Is it your fault that you ate the whole thing? Technically, yes, but realistically, this behavioral pathway is encoded in your genes. Find sugar, eat sugar. It kept the prokaryotes alive, and if you’re reading this, it’s worked well enough that you’re still here too. At least it’s not the five-pound Hershey bar, whose makers process the chocolate in such a way that leaves it smelling faintly of vomit due to its butyric acid content. (It’s not noticeable if you grew up eating it, but if you’ve ever heard someone referring to Hershey as “pukey,” that’s why.)

 








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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.