Black TP


Only the most brutal of bathrooms can handle the gothic bleakness of black toilet paper. “I am the night,” you’ll whisper, slowly threading the expensive butt-roll through your glutes.

Later, you’ll spill your goblet of blood and reach for the same company’s black paper towels, eyes rolling back into your head as you summon Bountytoth, the Dark Lord of Cleaning.

Weight Quack


The field of chiropractic medicine is full of quacks. One of these is Dr. Burl Pettibon, who developed a system of weights that patients wear to “correct their posture” that is deemed to be asymmetrical or incorrect under his system. His practices advocate for the continual “correction” of patients who do not currently experience any pain or problems with their spine. As you might imagine, the chronic use of neck weights and traction can cause pain, nerve damage, and tissue damage that weren’t present prior to use.

But, hey, if you want to pay hundreds of dollars to strap metal bars to your head, it’s a free country. No one’s gonna stop you from ruining your body because you believed some guy who’s taking your money.

Make Coffee While You Drive


Finally, no more stopping by the side of the road to pull shots of espresso! You can make it while you drive, from the comfort of the driver’s seat, with the Handspresso Auto.

They sell “unbreakable” plastic cups as an accessory for it, so if you’re involved in a collision while brewing, you can pick them out of the wreckage, rinse them off, and be up and running as soon as you get a new car.

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Contact drew at or tweet him @TWTFSale.