Fluorescent Green Toilet Paper


Regular toilet paper is white, meaning that it will match any color or combination of colors you use in your bathroom. But maybe you’re tired of seeing brown butt-dirt on that clean white paper, and you need a different color to offset what you didn’t digest. That’s an OK feeling to have, because feelings are natural. Just be prepared to pay a lot for a three-pack of your green toilet paper, and also for me to say your natural feelings are stupid.

Sorry. If you wanted to be a teacher or you wanted to learn to paint I’d tell you to go for it.

Pet Pee


The PetZoom, a tray with a porous pad on top, lets your dog urinate inside of the house. It’s a great way to get your dog used to pissing inside the house. It holds up to a gallon of liquid, so it’s also a great way to keep a gallon of dog piss in a shallow tray on your floor.

FakeTV: The Fake TV


The FakeTV ($32) is a box you plug in when you’re on vacation, so it looks like someone’s home and watching television. It displays different flickering light patterns, so from outside, it looks like the television is on. (You can click through to see what the actual unit looks like, but I wanted to include the manufacturer’s illustration above for aesthetic reasons.)

The only way the FakeTV would look more realistic is if it also played some sound, that sounded like television sound. If only we could get something for our home that would make television sound and display pictures. Like… I don’t know… a television.

The Cat’s Happy Habitat


“Happy Habitat” is a great name for this cat tent. Anything named “Happy House” or “Happy Home” means it’s small and depressing, and the Happy Habitat does not disappoint. It’s a tent, which you put outdoors, and then you put your indoor cat into the tent.

The picture I used above is supplied by the manufacturer, by the way. A cat lady outside in the yard, with a mad cat in a tent walking around like he will never drink enough water to make enough urine to show you how he feels about the tent. I strongly recommend that you go past this tip of the iceberg and look at the 37 (YES, THIRTY-SEVEN) customer images available for the Happy Habitat Cat Detention Camp.

On Female Management


“The Young Man’s Guide To Female Management,” reads the subtitle of this book. “Female” is the favorite word of men’s-rights advocates, after all, because unlike “women” or “ladies”, it doesn’t imply that they are human.

The most curious thing about people who hold these appalling views on women – that they are all lazy, gold-diggers, greedy, manipulative, et cetera – is that they are still obsessed with “getting” and “keeping” women, as they would a car, or an action figure. If women must be managed, if they are this antisocial, this awful, why pursue them at all?

I can’t answer that question. Maybe there is no reasonable answer. Anyway, as you might expect, the reviews point out that it’s riddled with grammatical and spelling errors.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.