The Safe Ostrich Ball

ostrich-ball-1

What’s most bizarre about this inflatable toy is not that it’s an ostrich, but rather that the manufacturer seems to be selling it on its relative safety when compared to riding an actual ostrich:

ostrich-ball-2



How To Make Poop

poo-dough-shit-maker

I don’t know why it would be captivating to “make your own shit” (there’s already a way to do that) but sensing a gap in the market, Poo Dough sells a kit for you to do this very thing. “Be A Prank Star!” they claim, although after the fourth or fifth clay turd you leave somewhere, it’s maybe no longer a prank, and more of a mental problem you’re inflicting upon others.

CubeTube, The YouTube Of Cubes

led-l3d-cube-graphic-display

If you’ve ever gazed mournfully out of the window, thinking, “damn, I need a cube,” the L3D Cube is here to make your dreams come true. It’s an 8x8x8 grid of LED lights, and connects via WiFi to CubeTube, “The YouTube Of Cubes.” That sounds like I made it up, but, nope, it’s real.



More Caffeinated Water

avitae-caffeinated-water

Every couple years, some company makes a new brand of caffeinated water. This one, Avitae, claims to have as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, that’s not true. If you type “caffeine in a cup of coffee” into Google, it’s going to say that it has 95mg. But your typical cup of drip coffee at home is typically going to have around 150mg of caffeine. A venti drip coffee from Starbucks has an average of 400mg. At three bucks and change, that’s surprisingly cheaper than 4 bottles of Avitae, which will run you nearly eight dollars. It’s enough to “make you poop.” (Click that. Trust me.)

Some people don’t like coffee, of course, in which case it’s easy to get caffeine pills, which keep you from accidentally overdosing on a big bulk bag of powdered caffeine, as several people have done in recent years. It’s worth noting, though, that caffeine is not “God’s Speed.” You’re thinking of amphetamines.



Bobby Bully, The Child Your Child Punches

 

bobby-bully

When you get bored of the typical punching-bag or adult-bad-guy targets to carry out your martial artistry, Bobby Bully is here to be your four-foot-two target of hand- and foot-based violence. It’s more realistic than the jaunty, infographic-styled purple Practice Buddy, though I have no doubt that any true practitioner of child-fighting needs both.

“My son loves to beat … when he is mad. It’s the perfect size for my 6-year-old,” says one unconcerned mom. “My very destructive nephews … beat up Bobby instead of my husband and me,” adds another. That might seem slightly insane, but from where I stand, if you don’t use consumer goods to address the symptoms of your problem instead of addressing the problem itself, then it ain’t god-damned America.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.