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Alex Chiu’s Immortality Rings

alex-chiu-immortality-rings

Most scams come and go, but Alex Chiu has been selling his “Immortality Rings” online since the 90s. They’re magnets which you fasten to your little fingers with the plastic rings, as shown here, and, obviously, that makes you immortal, because of energy. When I first saw them on Web 1.0, accompanied by blinking text and webrings, the rings were his only product. Now, he’s expanded to black rings and foot braces, the latter of which comes with a warning that “these items are not made for comfort.” But we’re talking about immortality, not comfort. If you want to live forever, you got to strap on your damn magnets.

(Thanks to @dril for reminding me that these exist.)  



Bobby Bully, the punching-child

 

bobby-bully

When you get bored of the typical punching-bag or adult-bad-guy targets to carry out your martial artistry, Bobby Bully is here to be your four-foot-two target of hand- and foot-based violence. It’s more realistic than the jaunty, infographic-styled purple Practice Buddy, though I have no doubt that any true practitioner of child-fighting needs both.

“My son loves to beat … when he is mad. It’s the perfect size for my 6-year-old,” says one unconcerned mom. “My very destructive nephews … beat up Bobby instead of my husband and me,” adds another. That might seem slightly insane, but from where I stand, if you don’t use consumer goods to address the symptoms of your problem instead of addressing the problem itself, then it ain’t god-damned America.



Caffeinated water (again)

avitae-caffeinated-water

Every couple years, some company makes a new brand of caffeinated water. This one, Avitae, claims to have as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, that’s not true. If you type “caffeine in a cup of coffee” into Google, it’s going to say that it has 95mg. But your typical cup of drip coffee at home is typically going to have around 150mg of caffeine. A venti drip coffee from Starbucks has an average of 400mg. At three bucks and change, that’s surprisingly cheaper than 4 bottles of Avitae, which will run you nearly eight dollars. It’s enough to “make you poop.” (Click that. Trust me.)

Some people don’t like coffee, of course, in which case it’s easy to get caffeine pills, which keep you from accidentally overdosing on a big bulk bag of powdered caffeine, as several people have done in recent years. It’s worth noting, though, that caffeine is not “God’s Speed.” You’re thinking of amphetamines.













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