iPad seat for newborns

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Just in case you weren’t disgusted enough by the iPad potty for toddlers, Fisher-Price has come out with the “Ipad Apptivity Seat”, which it explicitly says is for newborns. Slap your day-old human into this thing and start feeding him apps and videos before he even gets a chance to experience unmediated human interaction. I’m sure there’s absolutely no downside to that.

If you think I’m exaggerating, check out the gallery of images that the manufacturer has provided to show that, yes, it’s really for tiny babies to be strapped into and Ludovico’ed.



The Bluetooth Fork

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This fork, the kind of fork you eat with, connects to your computer via Bluetooth. You eat all of your food with the fork, and it measures how you ate with the fork. Of course, for this to actually work, you’d have to take your gigantic Bluetooth fork everywhere you go, and eat all your food with it. The lone customer review suggests that it doesn’t really work, though, and when contacted, the company told the user that they were “eating wrong.”

I view this as a companion piece to the internet-enabled scale I wrote about last year. Broadcast your weight-shame to the internet and then have your bluetooth fork vibrate your skull when it determines you are eating too fast. It’s the future of weight-loss, and that’s why none of us are overweight anymore, in 2013.



A Book In “Zombish”

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I didn’t think the zombie trend could get any dumber, but it’s happened. “Urrgh: A Zombie Memoir” is written in “zombish,” which the authors seem to imply is the language of zombies. You can read the first few pages online, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

The Horror Of The Orbeez Scooper

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The Orbeez Laybug Scooper goes around your house, like a Roomba, and picks up Orbeez, which are little plastic balls that soak up water. Well, it does this in theory. In reality, Orbeez are fucking wet, and they stick to everything, and this toy does not pick them up. They are hard to sweep up, gum up vacuums, and maddening to pick up one-by-one. They grow mold if they don’t dry out fast enough.

For a true vision of horror, though, click through to the product page and watch the video (I can’t embed it here.) The video starts with two tweens gleefully chucking handfuls of Orbeez around the house, and goes downhill from there. 



The Password Safe

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The Password Safe is a $49.95 electronic device that looks like a 90s-era standalone word processor. It stores your passwords inside of it. Which would be great, except:

1. A paper notebook would also do this, for about a dollar.

2. If you lose the password for the Password Safe itself, you’re fucked.

3. If the Password Safe’s battery dies, you’re fucked.

4. If the Password Safe breaks, you’re fucked.

There is a cheaper version available for $31, which uses a cellphone-text-message system for entering your passwords, which may be even more hilarious than the one in the picture up there, considering that every “secure” password now requires 14 characters, 3 capital letters, 2 numbers, and 4 symbols. It has 29 one-star reviews, which reflect the unfortunate reality that it works about as well as you’d imagine.



Stuffed Burger Hell

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First of all, stuffed burgers are gross, because the cheese leaks fat and ruins the texture of the meat. And if you put onions, mushrooms, or garlic inside a burger, it doesn’t brown, it just gets mushy.

Several of the reviews mention that the plastic parts broke when it was used, and it’s not non-stick, so it’s impossible to get your nasty stuffed burger out of the thing to cook it.

On top of that, this is $19.95, and there are about a dozen ten-buck stuffed-burger-makers that actually seem to work. (Those are five separate links.)

But mostly, stuffed burgers are fucking gross.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.