The Worst Things For Sale

Described by the seller as a “reusable condom,” this monstrosity has been pixellated here so you don’t have to see it if you don’t want to. (The original pic is uncensored.) If you’re not at work, you might want to check out the other pictures of this item, where it’s shown floating in space near a bodybuilder and shoved onto the end of a pistol.

Power Toothpaste is caffeinated toothpaste, which contains 67.4mg of caffeine per milliliter. A milliliter is the recommended amount of toothpaste they suggest you use per brush. The caffeine is intended to be absorbed through the tissues in your mouth (your sublingual space, gums, tongue, and cheeks.)

While they haven’t done any clinical studies to measure how much caffeine is absorbed in this way, even if you were to absorb all 67.4mg from your brushing, you would not, as they claim, be energized “like a cup of coffee.” A twenty-ounce coffee at most coffee shops contains between 300-500 mg of caffeine, depending on what beans are used and how it’s brewed.

It’s easy to brew coffee at home, for that matter, or to buy caffeine supplements if you don’t like coffee. But comparing apples and oranges in an attempt to sell bananas is just a small part of the situation we’re in, here, hurtling through the vacuum of space.

As I’ve noted before, there are some products where it’s obvious the creator thought of the name before creating the product, and Carbage Can is one of those.

The smoke that emergest from this incense burner comes out of the lady’s nipples. (The manufacturer’s pic is unpixellated, should you not be able to imagine what this would look like.)

For those who love the awful motion-detector paper-towel dispensers in public restrooms, you can now own one for your kitchen, and wave your wet hands in front of it over and over, until it finally dispenses a single paper towel.

Bitcoin, somehow, keeps increasing in value, and along with it, alternate currencies are capturing billions of dollars of wealth. Now that it’s regularly being covered in the mainstream media, and the average person understands it’s worth a shitload of money (if you can convert it back to dollars, which is more difficult than it seems) it’s dumber than ever to wear cryptocurrency shirts. (See this case of a guy who was kidnapped and had $1,800,000 worth of Bitcoin stolen at gunpoint.)

“Crypto Millionaire” is an obvious one, because it literally begs someone to steal your money, but the “99 Problems But My Bitcoin Ain’t One” shirt isn’t much better. And “Bitcoin Whale” literally means “I have a shitload of Bitcoin.” More obvious even than Bitcoin Whale is “I bought before it reached $10.000.”

Tangentially, the “Jesus Loves Bitcoin” shirt, while not an overt advertisement for your crypto-wealth, is only for people who never heard what Jesus did to the moneychangers.

Anyway, if you get biffed over the head with a rock in a sock while you’re waiting for your UberX, and someone steals your Monero, Ripple, or Ethereum by forcing you to authenticate a currency transfer, as this shirt says, “told ya.”

Just driving to, you know, church, with my extremely heavy zippered bible on the seat next to me. No need to open the bible, there’s definitely not a gun concealed inside.