Why You Can’t Catch Bugs

bugzooka-bug-catcher

The BugZooka is a $50 vacuum-based device that lets you “humanely” capture bugs from inside your house and release them outdoors. Unfortunately, in the case of many house-invading bugs, you’re screwing everyone else in your city by not squashing the sons of bitches.

The most persistently-invasive bug in the American midwest is the brown marmorated stink bug (below) which crawls through vents and crevices, dozens at a time, spraying a characteristic hell-cilantro odor throughout your house. It was accidentally introduced into this area from its native Asia, where it immediately began overpowering local species and destroying crops.

stink-bug

So if I see you vacuum up a brown marmorated stink bug and whoosh it back outside with your humane-tube, I’m going to collect a thousand alive ones and dump them down your chimney every night until you cry.



Homeopathic Dog Pee Pills

pet-alive-bladder-control

PetAlive Better-Bladder Control are granules that you give your dog to make him stop pissing. The only saving grace on this product is that most homeopathic “remedies” are water, which would make your dog piss more, but these are dry granules, which might bind up some of your dog’s water and cause him to crap it out rather than pee it on your carpet. Of course, that’s a pretty flimsy justification for selling 20 grams of fake dog pills for $27.

At least it’s not “C-Caps: Promote Complete Cellular Health”, a $44 bottle of  homeopathic pet pills from the same company. What is cellular health, you ask? I’m glad  I pretended you asked, because there’s a crazy-ass book about it, and the cover image has a tape measure wrapped around a strand of DNA as a metaphor for its nonsensical ideas about “toxins” and weight-loss.

Stacking Soap

tumblr_mbwaj6Leqe1rt7j2bo1_400

You could buy $2 bars of soap that allow you to smoosh the previous bar into the next bar, or you could buy regular soap and accept that you won’t use the last 10% of the soap. Or you could buy regular soap and save the slivers and mush them together when you have like four of them.

Or you could compare the soap issue to the fact that a billion people worldwide don’t have clean drinking water, or that thousands of Haitians are still living in tents after the 2010 earthquake, or that North Koreans have so little food that they eat each other out of necessity. Look in the mirror, look yourself square in the eyes, and ask yourself why we have sacrificed our humanity for convenience.



Fizzy Bacon Tablets

effervescent-bacon

Drop an effervescent bacon tablet into a glass of water, and now you’ve got a slightly fizzy, artificial-bacon-flavored glass of water. As you might imagine, the customer reviews describe the result as “disgusting,” though it’s hard to believe they thought it might taste good.






TWTFS is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. We are not affiliated with the manufacturers whose products appear on TWTFS.


Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.