Children’s Coffin

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Here’s something to make you feel great! A toy coffin for a child to go into. “Mom! I’m dead!” Not really, it’s just a joke, but you had to think about it anyway! Thanks, Rubie’s Costume Company!

EDIT: The company has stealthily photoshopped the child out of their illustration. Compare their illustration to the original one above.



The Self-Mixing Cup

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The Moo Mixer is a $12 plastic mug that has a battery-operated stirrer in the bottom, allowing it to act as a replacement for a spoon. Yeah, I mean, sure, you could use a spoon to make chocolate milk, but why do that when a $12 piece of shit will do the work for you? Here are a couple more images from the product listing.

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The implication here is that this kid can’t use a spoon. He has to use Moo Mixer because he can’t use a spoon. That’s just not true. This kid has already left three thousand YouTube comments.

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These soldiers might be able to take those guns apart and reassemble them blindfolded in the middle of a desert to shoot civilians, but they definitely can’t use a fucking spoon to make chocolate milk. Before they got Moo Mixer they were screaming on the radio for chocolate milk backup. 

The Fingerprint Door Lock

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Let’s ignore the fact that this fingerprint-activated door lock breaks easily (according to reviews) & costs nearly $300. Let’s instead focus on the failure state of the lock, which is someone cutting off your finger and pressing your dead finger on the lock so they can steal all your shit.



Nothing, and The NoPhone

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The NoPhone is a phone-shaped piece of plastic “for people who use their phone too much.” It’s the perfect example of getting people coming and going. You sell them the phone, then when they use the phone, you sell them the NoPhone. At no point does the absence of commerce enter the picture. Just like The Gift Of Nothing, the idea of not buying something has been monetized, and it heats the earth and uses plastic the same as its “something” counterparts.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.