The Worst Things For Sale

The Australian author Jasmuheen wrote this book in 1998, and continues to tour the world to advance her theory of “breatharianism,” the idea that you can use spiritual energy to replace food. Four people have died as a result of following her instructions. Despite this, her career has continued and she published her latest breatharian book last year. She even put out an album, a bizarre mélange of sitar, trip-hop drums and new-age-themed nursery rhymes read by Mother Huffer herself.

While the first law of thermodynamics states that energy can be neither created nor destroyed, it remains silent on the topic of believing a weird old lady if she tells you that you don’t need to eat food.

The “luxury version” of Monopoly allows you to spend over two hundred bucks in real money on a game that will drive you and your family apart. The same company makes two-hundred-buck versions of Clue and Scrabble, in case your family’s still on your side after Monopoly and you want to drive them into a blinding rage by playing ZYMURGY on a triple-word.

At least it’s not Monopoly For Millennials.

The manufacturer describes Cat’s Meow as “a cat toy your cat can’t resist.” Here is a list of other things cats can’t resist playing with:

1. String.

2. Lint.

3. Bugs.

4. Anything that’s on the floor.

5. Anything that’s not on the floor.

There are dozens of donut makers on the market. Some of them are kitchen tools to help you manually drop dough into hot oil. One is a “donut factory” which shoots donut dough out onto a tiny conveyor belt and drops donuts out the end. There’s even a donut maker shaped like a big donut.

But this one makes donuts that are twenty-five times larger than a regular donut. You pour donut batter into the mold and bake it in the oven. They have recipes for making a giant jelly donut, glazing your giant donut, et cetera.

A regular glazed donut has around 350 calories, which means Giant Donut has 8,750 calories. As you might imagine, one of the customer complaints is that the giant donut is not as big as the customer wanted it to be.

In the world of “Horny Ghost Of Osama Bin Laden,” the dead terrorist leader increases his ghost-power by having sex with American women. You can read part of it (and see the unblurred version of the cover) on the product listing page.

The ChiliPad seems like a good idea. It lets you selectively heat and cool two halves of your bed. It’s $399, which is a little bit insane for a bed-sized blob of water, so I read the reviews, which said:

1. It shines a bright light throughout your bedroom at night.

2. It’s supposed to go down to 46 degrees, but it heats back up to 70 as soon as you lay down on it.

3. Almost every review said that it leaks water into your bed.

4. All the leak-based reviews noted that the company wouldn’t replace the product.

The “Useless Box” is a kit you put together. When you flip the switch on the top of the box, a mechanical finger comes out from inside and turns the switch back off. I like to solder & put stuff together, so that’s not why it’s here. I’ve put it on this page because you can pay an extra $17 to buy a fully-assembled version.