The Worst Things For Sale

The fun part about making rubber band guns is that you use crap that’s in your desk for free, like old pens or paperclips. This super-expensive “Devastator” rubber-band gun allows you to bypass ingenuity and fun with a large sum of money, which, if you think about it, neatly describes most aspects of our modern world.

You can buy a less egregious wooden rubber-band gun for $5.75 if you look around for a second, but again, if you might get zero-toleranced for anything that even resembles a gun, you might want to go with the pens-and-paperclips for the sake of plausible deniability.

If you’re tired of your taoist exercises strengthening your core, or your mind, step into the world of Taoist Feces Exercise. That’s the actual name of this 64-minute video, and in case you’re thinking “oh, it’s a translation error,” no. It’s exercises to make you shit better. It’s free to watch, by the way, if you have an Amazon Prime membership, and you need to learn how to shit better.

Also, I would have called it Shitcercise.

Wake your partner up in terror every morning with the Anime Sleep Mask. 

This is a sticker that you apply to your cell phone to “reduce radiation by 96.43%.” The good news is that it doesn’t work! If a sticker could reduce the signal strength of your phone by so much, you’d never be able to place a call or send a text message, because the signal wouldn’t be able to make it out of your house, let alone get all the way to the cell tower.

The bad news is that most of the 52 reviews were people claiming that the sticker made their radiation-based illness go away.

The really bad news is that it’s just one of dozens of very popular products. Here are some examples: (1) (2) (3) (4)

I’m pretty sure this “parking guide” is just an $8 tennis ball.

Now that there’s a $31 kit to built a fort at home, your kids need no longer suffer a fort-free life! Before this came along, they definitely didn’t have a blanket and some rope to make a fort for free.

This box of Faber-Castell pencils costs an insane amount of money. The manufacturer describes it as “Perfect Pencil Set”, which it should probably be, for that price. In case you don’t have hundreds of dollars, though, you can buy a single “perfect” pencil for… well, less, but still a lot.