The Worst Things For Sale

From the makers of Inflatable Unicorn Horn For Cats comes Inflatable Evil Unicorn Horn For Cats. I don’t believe the slogan “Cats Love It.” Do cats really love anything that’s not catnip?

This lamp “purifies” the air by supposedly releasing negative ions. It’s made of “Himalayan salt”, which is actually mined over 150 miles away from the Himalayan mountains, in Pakistan.

Turning on a fifteen-watt light bulb inside a chunk of salt will not release negative ions from the salt. The chunk of salt is composed mostly of sodium (positive) and chloride (negative) ions. If you wanted to pull the negative chloride ions off and release them, you’d need to heat the lump of salt to around 800 degrees Celsius to melt it, and then run an electric current through the molten salt, which would release chlorine gas. This process would also leave you with molten sodium metal, which reacts violently to both air and water.

This lamp does not release toxic chlorine gas. Nor does it release molten, flaming elemental sodium. Which may be why it’s received mostly positive reviews despite the lack of actual negative ions.

The TravelKool Danger Suitcase is a great way to make sure your child gets cavity-searched by the TSA.

Customer reviews of “Incredible Zoom Binocular Sunglasses” range from “everything is blurry” to “broke the first time I put them on.” If you’re going to buy glasses from a television commercial, I recommend you at least go with Bed Prism Spectacles, so you can watch TV while you’re laying in bed.   

Compete with your family to see who’s been beaten furthest into a state of marketing compliance! Reinforce the bond between corporate branding and happiness in your children! I’d go on, but now I’m hungry for some great Sun-Maid raisins and Taco Bell tacos and Go Daddy domains and Bic pens and UPS parcel services.

This is a kit to let you dye your pubic hair blue. The manufacturer calls it “the hair down there”, which seems unnecessarily coy. If you’re using a stencil to shave your pubic hair into a dollar sign and dyeing it blue, you can probably hang with the phrase “pubic hair.”

Sure, talking on your cell phone or texting while you drive is distracting, but curling your hair with a cigarette-lighter hair-curler is probably OK. Or straightening it with a flat-iron that plugs into the cigarette-lighter outlet. Or blow-drying it.