The Worst Things For Sale

I’ve blurred this item, the “Trojan Horse Dildo,” because it’s an 18″ dildo in the shape of a horse’s dick. You can see the uncensored picture on the product listing if that’s your thing. The manufacturer describes it as “life-like”, which raises the question: Did they have to A/B test with a real horse to legally make this claim?

“Trojan Horse” has nice historical connotations, but if you’re buying a horse dildo based on how funny the name is, I’d suggest “Mr. Ed.” There’s also a dog dildo, called “Clifford The Big Red Dog Dong,” which steps it up a notch. But none of these hold a candle to the best animal dildo name of all. I present to you: “Moby’s Dick: Anatomically Correct Whale Dildo.”

Just in case you weren’t disgusted enough by the iPad potty for toddlers, Fisher-Price has come out with the “Ipad Apptivity Seat”, which it explicitly says is for newborns. Slap your day-old human into this thing and start feeding him apps and videos before he even gets a chance to experience unmediated human interaction. I’m sure there’s absolutely no downside to that.

If you think I’m exaggerating, check out the gallery of images that the manufacturer has provided to show that, yes, it’s really for tiny babies to be strapped into and Ludovico’ed.

This fork, the kind of fork you eat with, connects to your computer via Bluetooth. You eat all of your food with the fork, and it measures how you ate with the fork. Of course, for this to actually work, you’d have to take your gigantic Bluetooth fork everywhere you go, and eat all your food with it. The lone customer review suggests that it doesn’t really work, though, and when contacted, the company told the user that they were “eating wrong.”

I view this as a companion piece to the internet-enabled scale I wrote about last year. Broadcast your weight-shame to the internet and then have your bluetooth fork vibrate your skull when it determines you are eating too fast. It’s the future of weight-loss, and that’s why none of us are overweight anymore, in 2013.

I didn’t think the zombie trend could get any dumber, but it’s happened. “Urrgh: A Zombie Memoir” is written in “zombish,” which the authors seem to imply is the language of zombies. You can read the first few pages online, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

The Orbeez Laybug Scooper goes around your house, like a Roomba, and picks up Orbeez, which are little plastic balls that soak up water. Well, it does this in theory. In reality, Orbeez are fucking wet, and they stick to everything, and this toy does not pick them up. They are hard to sweep up, gum up vacuums, and maddening to pick up one-by-one. They grow mold if they don’t dry out fast enough.

For a true vision of horror, though, click through to the product page and watch the video (I can’t embed it here.) The video starts with two tweens gleefully chucking handfuls of Orbeez around the house, and goes downhill from there. 

There are only 9 of these left in stock, which may be due to the fact that it’s non-returnable. The lone review says that it “felt like a chinese fingertrap.” And, unsurprisingly, it is “frequently bought with” dick soap. Gotta lather up and get out of that fingertrap, I guess.

The Password Safe is a $49.95 electronic device that looks like a 90s-era standalone word processor. It stores your passwords inside of it. Which would be great, except:

1. A paper notebook would also do this, for about a dollar.

2. If you lose the password for the Password Safe itself, you’re fucked.

3. If the Password Safe’s battery dies, you’re fucked.

4. If the Password Safe breaks, you’re fucked.

There is a cheaper version available for $31, which uses a cellphone-text-message system for entering your passwords, which may be even more hilarious than the one in the picture up there, considering that every “secure” password now requires 14 characters, 3 capital letters, 2 numbers, and 4 symbols. It has 29 one-star reviews, which reflect the unfortunate reality that it works about as well as you’d imagine.