The Worst Things For Sale

The Heimlich Helper is a plastic paddle you can use to punch your lungs and cause you to cough up food you’re choking on. It’s made by a company called Big John, which is kinda weird, because a company called Big John makes and sells one-pound bags of beef jerky. Guys, are you selling choke-food and then selling people anti-choking devices?!

According to the box, “Everything tastes better in a bacon bowl.” The Perfect Bacon Bowl is a tool which you use, if you hate your body, to microwave strips of bacon into a bowl shape. Believe it or not, it’s frequently bought with the StufZ Burger Press, which has to be neck-and-neck with eating every meal out of a bacon bowl in terms of culinary horror.

Make sure you read the dozens of reviews paying tribute to a life made more complete with the addition of Perfect Bacon Bowl.

I’m not sure that it counts as an autobiography if it’s written by someone other than the subject, and the excerpts available online were extremely dry and boring, but let me take a stab at it. Like a Roman.

I was getting tired of all these assholes following me around, writing down everything I said. After John The Baptist died (RIP) I was just chillin, and before I knew it, there were 4,000 of these disciples and they’re all “ohhhh we’re so huuuungry.” Like I even wanted any freaking disciples in the first place. After three days I was finally like, fine, and I sent some apostles out to buy up a ton of food all hurricane-style. They came back and I was like “I got bread and fish so stop your scrub-ass moaning.”

Well, a guy in the crowd starts flipping out like “where did Jesus get all this food” and I go, all sarcastically, “magic. I got it from my magic powers.” Next thing I know they’re all writing “magic” on their scrolls and I’m like, no, no, it was a joke, but they kept saying I multiplied the food. I was pretty scorched, but it was nothing compared to what happened later. (No spoilers, but if you’ve seen that cross thing they put in churches, it’s related to that.)

In case the 5 non-personalized Nicolas Cage pillowcases I found awhile ago aren’t enough to fuel your nightmares, you can now buy a personalized Nicolas Cage pillowcase.

I blurred this for obvious reasons, but if you want to see what a leopard-print erection slipcover looks like, be my guest.

Sure, it’s just about the size of a real-life horse, but do you really want to pay this much for a lamp? And where are you going to put it?

You might think there hasn’t been a demand for merkins since the early 1900s, but here we are, in the 2010s, and here’s a merkin. If you’re not stupefied yet, click through to see what they called the black one. What the fuck?!