The Worst Things For Sale

“Carbs,” brags the bag of almost pure sugar. “Evaporated cane juice replacing sugar,” the listing says, somehow unaware that evaporating sugar-cane juice is one of the major ways of producing sugar.

Sure, these shorts look ridiculous, but the main delight here is in the description, which includes the passage “It helps to guard the hip and tailbones of our children and old men against shattered when falls down or slids down.”

Cork Speaker is a tiny nodule you attach to an empty wine bottle, which connects to your phone via Bluetooth to play music. It costs what you would probably expect if you’ve been reading this blog for a while.

Hovershoes are single-wheeled platforms you strap to your feet, which are powered by an electric motor similar to the “hoverboards” that were briefly popular a couple of years ago. The manufacturer insists that they’re “for people 16 – 50 year old,” though you can look at the absurdly photoshopped gallery of people using Hovershoes and see what you think.

This item, listed as 275 gallons of personal lubricant, seems like a joke, mainly because of the price (nice.)

Maybe it’s not a joke, but there’s no way any of us could buy it and find out. Maybe it’s a way to trick blogs like this into marketing their product. I don’t know! I don’t care. People want to read this, say “haha, lube” and scroll on down to pants that make it look like you shit yourself and are wearing the shitty pants.

The Opal Nugget ice-maker, at a hair under four hundred dollars, is described by the manufacturer as “affordable.”

It’s good to know that in this age of energy-consciousness and growing awareness of climate change and air pollution, you can still purchase a $300+ gas-powered blender. There’s even a knock-off called The Daquiri Whacker, which, improbably, seems an order of magnitude less safe than the Tailgator.