The Worst Things For Sale

Claiming that adding a handful of tumbled rocks to a bottle of water “structures” the water, the manufacturers of the VitaJuwel Gemwater bottle charge up to $330 each. In a classic example of “framing,” the less-expensive ($98) Gemwater bottles seem like a bargain next to the pricier ones.

DO NOT ENTER this person’s house unless you want a dead-eyed lizard to watch you as it remains motionless inside of its cage!

You can now, on a pole outside of your house, celebrate the royal wedding of Harry and Meghan with this flag. The smaller flags symbolize Great Britain and America, the two nations, previously unrelated, who now share a special bond in 2018 because of this marriage.

What is a wearable chair? When or where would you use it? And why does it cost so much? The manufacturer answers none of these questions in their listing.

Picture Keeper Pro is a 32GB USB drive. It’s packaged with backup software, which your computer already has, and, at least at the time I’m writing this, it’s five times more expensive than a regular 32GB USB drive.

Just as Black Lives Matter has been co-opted from everyone from the police to bootleg t-shirt manufacturers, so will go every other civil-rights leader and movement. Before Beagle Lives Matter, there was Martin Loofah King, Keep Calm And Harriet Tubman, and so on, and so forth, further back into the past than we can remember, and into the future beyond which we can imagine.

“Lady Farts” is fifty cents’ worth of cotton candy in a ten-dollar bag. But as an example of how printing something slightly transgressive on a commodity merchandise item increases its perceived value, it’s second only to It’s Mother-Fucking Pencil Time.