The Worst Things For Sale

Righteous Buddies is a line of Mormon toys, designed to look like Funko Pops. They’ve currently only got Elder Knight and Nephi. It’s impossible to say whether these are better or worse than the Pickle Rick Funko Pop, a second Pickle Rick Funko Pop, the Rick Funko Pop, a different Rick Funko Pop, or anything else where oil is pumped, refined, polymerized, molded, and printed in order to sit on a shelf.

The Licki, a cat brush you hold in your mouth to brush your cat as with a giant tongue, is now available in glow-in-the-dark.

There is a video on the manufacturer’s listing, showing it in use.

The actual name of this item is “T-Shirt with a sarcastic joke,” which is a perfect description of a t-shirt with a stand-in joke on the front, to be replaced later with a real joke.

On May 31, 2017, the president tweeted “covfefe.” You’d expect a micro-industry to spring up around it immediately, which happened, but you might not expect to still be able to find Hot Covfefe coffee mugs, organic Covfefe lip balm, a Covfefe horror-movie poster, a wire Covfefe sculpture, a grammatically incorrect “Could Of” acronym, and a Covfefe christmas ornament in March 2018.

They’ll sit on shelves, awaiting customers that have moved onto other, more timely mockery of the president, and will be discounted, purchased as on-sale gifts, maybe wholesaled, but will eventually wind up in the landfill. Americans generate around 600,000,000,000 pounds of solid waste (“trash”) a year, which works out to five pounds of landfill-bound trash, per person, per day. Whether this merch goes directly from the printing press to the mountain of garbage, or passes through a few hands before getting intermingled with K-Cups and other non-recyclable waste, its destiny is foretold.

It’s tempting to think that one day in the future, someone wearing a silver jumpsuit will dig a Covfefe Mug out and marvel at what it must have been, but we both know better. No one will dig it up, no one will look at it ever again. The only way we’ll stop generating trash and piling it on top of other trash is when our species blinks out. From a material standpoint, if our species has a purpose, it is to dig up and cut down the Earth and form it into trash, then stomp it back down into the crust of the planet and dust our hands off. We could probably do it slightly less if we tried, which we won’t.

As with The Manga Guide To Calculus, you can now learn about SQL using the power of manga. (You can “Look Inside” both of those behind the links, btw, in case you feel the need to manga the first couple of chapters.)

From the makers of Rapid Ramen comes Rapid Hot Dog Cooker, a plastic tray that is in no way simpler or faster than putting a hot dog on a plate and microwaving it for a minute.

This device lets you ask questions of paranormal entities and receive answers, assuming you believe that to be possible. The manufacturer assures buyers that the buttons are “sensitive to paranormal frequency.”

If you’re not familiar with the idea of ghost hunting, you’ll obviously need a Starter Ghost Hunting Kit With Ultimate Ghost Tech. (That’s the actual name of the item.)