The Worst Things For Sale

I’ve pixellated the prurient parts of this pillow, which depicts two people on top of a floating pizza. The manufacturer describes it as “Makes a great quality gift for someone who has everything.” (The picture on the listing is uncensored, but I have to blur this stuff out when it appears on my page. You understand.)

Finally, after over ten years of being forced to use a clumsy stylus with our smart devices, a company has invented a finger-mounted stylus to allow you to control your phone and tablet with your finger.

This fairly-normal-looking USB-to-Lightning charging cable contains a SIM card, which allows you to call the USB cable with your phone and hear what’s going on in the room where the USB cable is plugged in. It also tracks the owner’s location with GPS.

You’re now aware that any of your charging cables may contain similar hardware, enabling someone to listen to you in real time and know your location. (Android users, you’re not safe, either: there’s a micro-USB version too.)

Just driving to, you know, church, with my extremely heavy zippered bible on the seat next to me. No need to open the bible, there’s definitely not a gun concealed inside.

Described by the author as “packed full of Sudoku puzzles [and] poo facts,” Poodoku is, at the time I’m writing this, the #63-best-selling Sudoku book on Amazon. I mostly posted it here for the cover, which, as you can see above, includes a Sudoku puzzle that’s entirely pixellated, and a pre-shitted roll of toilet paper seemingly drawn with Paint.

What good are socks if they can’t connect to your phone via Bluetooth? That’s the question the makers of Sensoria Smart Socks were apparently trying to answer. Hellishly, the sock app that connects to your socks will give you “voice commands” to instruct you to alter your cadence and landing as you’re running, which sounds like a great way to fall or injure yourself as you run.

As with other “smart” exercise devices, the socks’ other features, like GPS mapping and speed/distance tracking, are already taken care of by the phone you need to operate the socks in the first place.

If you’ve ever used a disposable floss pick and thought, “This is great, but how could I waste even more plastic and packaging?” the Brushee, a single-use disposable toothbrush, is your answer.