The Worst Things For Sale

Protect your phone and show off a photo of someone else’s kitchen at the same time with this phone case.

Not weird enough for you? Fine. Here’s an old man wearing an adult diaper. On a phone case.

Billy’s Ball Bags makes a variety of stretchy silicone testicles. (They’ve been pixellated here to meet the unfair standards of society, but you can see the uncensored pic on the listing.) What’s most intriguing, though, is Billy’s claim that other ball makers have been trying to sabotage his reputation.

Available only in “one size fits most,” this children’s beanie is perfect for a son or daughter who wants a bitch hat.

The only good thing about “Protein Treats For Girls,” as the manufacturer describes these, is that they’re not pink.

Oh, wait, no. The other flavor is pink.

“Finally, food for girls,” the manufacturer brags. Which is weird, because, until now, I assumed girls were allowed to eat all food.

In case you don’t have enough to worry about once your newborn baby has arrived, Owlet Smart Sock (that’s the product’s actual name) offers to ramp up your anxiety by measuring their heart rate. Never mind that some of the reviews say it doesn’t work reliably and shouldn’t be used as a medical monitor – pair it with Hatch Baby, the infant weight-tracking smart scale, to get yourself so revved up you’ll never return to normal.

You’re a binch, cookies. You’re a binch, and a donut, and your ratio is all messed up. It’s time for some game theory.

How does this device give you “facial fitness”? Look at it for just a second, and then go to the listing to see the illustrations of women using it. You won’t be disappointed.