The Worst Things For Sale

It’s difficult and expensive to license celebrity names and trademarked looks. So, let me tell you something, brother: It’s time for some bootleg pumpkin-month costumes! Sweet Child Rocker is definitely not Axl Rose, which makes sense, because it’s 2017. And Landscape Artist Brown Afro? You better believe it’s not Bob Ross. Graveyard Ghost is, of course, unlicensed Beetlejuice. And the Women’s Orange Scrub Set may be obvious, but the true genius of “Burger Heiress” might not strike you until you see who they’re referring to.

Amazon Key is a system that allows Amazon to unlock your front door and deliver your packages inside your house. There’s a video, if you feel like you’re still on the fence about this idea.

There’s nothing better, when you’re sitting on a stool in a parking garage, than a comfortable pair of fish shoes, which the manufacturer helpfully notes “also uses as couples shoe’s” (sic). The close-up picture of the shoes themselves makes the idea even more bizarre, since it looks like they may be hand-painted. Which means that someone, somewhere, is painting fish shoes.

Is it a Halloween costume, or is it something that adult men will buy and wear at least once a week? Probably both! (If it were just a costume, the clear choice would be this inflatable Mario-Yoshi hybrid, obviously.)

“Take turns pooping, but don’t clog the toilet,” says the manufacturer of Poop: The Game.

If you’re about to “more like the best thing for sale” me, congratulations: You’re the target demographic.

Peanut-butter toast and a cup of coffee is a pretty classic, cheap breakfast combo. Which means it makes perfect sense to replace that with a thirteen-dollar jar of caffeinated peanut butter. It’s got a skull and bones on it, though, so that means it’s… angry?

At least they didn’t claim, like the manufacturers of Steem Caffeinated Peanut Butter, that “caffeine naturally bonds with peanut butter.” (It does no such thing, chemically speaking, and if it did, then the caffeine wouldn’t work in its intended fashion, having reacted with the other ingredients.)

Described as “Book 1″ of a “Complete Guide To Become Social,” this eight-page book consists of more or less what you’d expect given the cover and description: twenty-two weirdly written paragraphs that tell you to talk to people. At the time of writing, it’s on Kindle Unlimited, so you can read it at no cost, if you feel like you need to. (You don’t.)