The Worst Things For Sale

“Ho Tactics” claims to lay out specific techniques for women to manipulate men for financial gain. It’s by the author of “Solving Single: How To Get The Ring, Not The Run Around.” (Both have “Look Inside” sections, if you’ve got a few minutes to burn.)

Be warned, though: you might fall down the rabbit hole if you start clicking on the “Customers who bought this also bought” section, with tens if not hundreds of books in the same vein. It’s a bizarre mirror image of pickup-artist books like “Bang: The Most Infamous Pickup Book In The World,” which provide instructions to men on how to manipulate women.

Ignore this five-foot-long outdoor flag. Please do tread on memes.

“Just put it to your lips and suck,” instructs the box of Fullips, later referring to “self suction” in the instructions, because you’ve gotta get some good innuendo going if you want people to ignore the fact you’re selling what amounts to a lid from a can of PAM for twenty bucks.

I will, childrens’ backpack. Thank you for inspiring me.

You might think, “This is a gift item. No one really wears a holster to carry Tabasco around.” Then you read Tampa Cracker’s review of the holster, where he describes it as too small to carry enough Tabasco, adding, “As a constant Tabasco user, I do not recommend.”

This box, labeled as “Power Saver,” claims to reduce the electricity consumption of whatever you plug into it. It doesn’t, as evinced by the numerous customer reviews correctly indicating that it didn’t reduce the power consumption of their appliances. Not everyone hates it, though. There are two five-star reviews from users named “Customer” and “Custy,” who is, most likely, “Customer” wearing a fake mustache.

Using nothing more than water, ground coffee, and the included crack kitchen torch, the Bripe coffee kit allows you to make coffee anywhere. You simply hold the janky pipe apparatus in front of your face like a crack regular pipe, and heat the bowl using your crack kitchen torch. It’s even made of copper, to give you that Chore Boy taste. A treat for all adventurers.