The Worst Things For Sale

Soylent, the company that insists that eating food is an unnecessary chore and takes time away from your ability to perform work for your employer, lumbers forth with a new flavor called “Nectar.” As with all flavors of Soylent, it comes with the warning that “some consumers may find that Soylent is not easily digested.” This is probably a reference to the incident I wrote about last year, where Soylent powder and Soylent Food Bars were causing uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea in users.

Wow, these circuses freaking kick ass! And don’t even ask me about the bread! Haha, okay, well, you didn’t, but the bread owns! What can I say, I love carbs, lol! I’ve gotta have something to eat with my covfefe!!!!!!

I can’t think of a worse outcome than presenting this ring box to someone with trembling hands, telling them to open it, and then a butt comes out and it makes a fart noise.

Even if you’re into eating chocolate dirt buttons, the reviews note that the asscandy, which ships from overseas, arrives melted. Edible Anus also gets a boo from me for censoring the word ANUS, the least profane word or phrase out of thousands that could be used to describe the butthole.

This pillow attaches to your computer with USB, and when you slam or punch it, it sends an Enter keypress.

A Yoni Egg is a polished rock that the buyer inserts into his or her vagina, with the intent of strengthening the vagina muscles. Most of the rocks made for this purpose are porous, which could incubate bacteria, leading to bacterial vaginosis or toxic shock. And there aren’t any clinical studies showing that clenching the pelvic floor muscles to keep a rock inside will strengthen it. (Kegel exercises are the medically-accepted way to strengthen these muscles, and if you feel this is something you need, you should ask your doctor, not a guy with a blog that posts books called Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt.)

The wrong way to destroy capitalism is by selling a $30 t-shirt that says “DESTROY CAPITALISM,” if you were wondering.