The Worst Things For Sale

The Password Safe is a $49.95 electronic device that looks like a 90s-era standalone word processor. It stores your passwords inside of it. Which would be great, except:

1. A paper notebook would also do this, for about a dollar.

2. If you lose the password for the Password Safe itself, you’re fucked.

3. If the Password Safe’s battery dies, you’re fucked.

4. If the Password Safe breaks, you’re fucked.

There is a cheaper version available for $31, which uses a cellphone-text-message system for entering your passwords, which may be even more hilarious than the one in the picture up there, considering that every “secure” password now requires 14 characters, 3 capital letters, 2 numbers, and 4 symbols. It has 29 one-star reviews, which reflect the unfortunate reality that it works about as well as you’d imagine.

There are only 9 of these left in stock, which may be due to the fact that it’s non-returnable. The lone review says that it “felt like a chinese fingertrap.” And, unsurprisingly, it is “frequently bought with” dick soap. Gotta lather up and get out of that fingertrap, I guess.

The Puzzlebox Brain Controlled Helicopter is a $229.95 toy helicopter that’s operated with an EEG headset you strap to your forehead. If you think about it, though, regular R/C helicopters are also brain-controlled.

Also, by telling you to think about it, I just brain-controlled your brain.

Why come up with your own ideas?

The internet has ideas on it already. Just reach out and take them. Take two of them if you like.

If you’re careful, you won’t even have to put a graphic on it.

We’ll be seeing this one for years. It’ll be in mall kiosks. They still sell “I Like Turtles” shirts from that one video, from 2007, after all.

But, perhaps, after something ceases to be funny, when the humor has stiffened and begun to rot, the maggots of secondhand profits must carry it away, bit by bit, to become something else. And just like jokes on the internet, we, too, must be plundered, by bacteria, worms, and bugs, until finally our skeletons crumble, every last bit drawn up by a plant or animal to sustain themselves. So eternal. Much unity. Wow.

I don’t have an email for the author of this crazy text, sadly. If you do, please tell him that if there’s a global state-industrial complex that they’re working to keep the stock market as high as possible. Then again, as the author of the equally-insane “Fractal Trading: Analyzing Financial Markets Using Fractal Geometry” maybe he already knows this.

The Dream Helmet is a thick blue bandage for your whole head. It has pockets so you can hide things next to your head at night. It’s supposed to help you sleep, though I’ve never been able to sleep particularly well with my keychain and wallet velcroed to my face.  

Put a weed picture on a ten-buck bag of coffee and it’s magically worth $24.95!

The same company sells Alaskan Malamute coffee, Surveyor coffee (for surveyors, apparently), Cruise Ship coffee, Hand Gliding coffee (which I’m guessing is a typo of hang gliding, since there’s a picture of someone hang gliding on it,) Prison coffee, Windfarm coffee, Rebel Flag coffee, Paintball coffee, and hundreds more.