The Worst Things For Sale

First of all, stuffed burgers are gross, because the cheese leaks fat and ruins the texture of the meat. And if you put onions, mushrooms, or garlic inside a burger, it doesn’t brown, it just gets mushy.

Several of the reviews mention that the plastic parts broke when it was used, and it’s not non-stick, so it’s impossible to get your nasty stuffed burger out of the thing to cook it.

On top of that, this is $19.95, and there are about a dozen ten-buck stuffed-burger-makers that actually seem to work. (Those are five separate links.)

But mostly, stuffed burgers are fucking gross.

It’s funny because it casually insults women, right?

I didn’t think the zombie trend could get any dumber, but it’s happened. “Urrgh: A Zombie Memoir” is written in “zombish,” which the authors seem to imply is the language of zombies. You can read the first few pages online, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

The Orbeez Laybug Scooper goes around your house, like a Roomba, and picks up Orbeez, which are little plastic balls that soak up water. Well, it does this in theory. In reality, Orbeez are fucking wet, and they stick to everything, and this toy does not pick them up. They are hard to sweep up, gum up vacuums, and maddening to pick up one-by-one. They grow mold if they don’t dry out fast enough.

For a true vision of horror, though, click through to the product page and watch the video (I can’t embed it here.) The video starts with two tweens gleefully chucking handfuls of Orbeez around the house, and goes downhill from there. 

This fork, the kind of fork you eat with, connects to your computer via Bluetooth. You eat all of your food with the fork, and it measures how you ate with the fork. Of course, for this to actually work, you’d have to take your gigantic Bluetooth fork everywhere you go, and eat all your food with it. The lone customer review suggests that it doesn’t really work, though, and when contacted, the company told the user that they were “eating wrong.”

I view this as a companion piece to the internet-enabled scale I wrote about last year. Broadcast your weight-shame to the internet and then have your bluetooth fork vibrate your skull when it determines you are eating too fast. It’s the future of weight-loss, and that’s why none of us are overweight anymore, in 2013.

The arrows point at the wearer’s ass. “BAD ASS,” these socks say. They would match with a shirt that says “TERRIBLE ASS. JUST A SHAME OF AN ASS” with an arrow pointing down the back.