The Worst Things For Sale

I’d seen this around for years and figured it was a joke, but no, it’s a real thing. It’s called the Ostrich Pillow, it’s $99.00 and it’s dry-clean only. 

Haha! It’s an emergency!

Who can blame you, I guess? Nobody wants to fudge in their car.

Maybe you could use the bathroom before you leave home though.

Maybe you should talk to your doctor.

The Pebble is a “smartwatch” which displays alerts from your phone on your wrist. You can’t reply to them on the watch, though, so you’ll have to get your phone out to do that.

But maybe you have $148.99 to burn and you want to know who’s calling on your phone when it rings. Of course, if you want to answer it, you’ll have to fish it out of your pocket, since the watch doesn’t let you do that either.

I’m blurring out the jerkglob itself for discretion (you can see the uncensored picture on the product listing if you want) because what I want to focus on is the “USB Hole Warmer” in the upper right, which you stick into your jerkglob before you use it to churn your hog.

The seller also claims that the hole warmer-jerkglob combo lets you “experience what it’s like to be deep inside the world’s hottest porn star,” but unless you’re an IUD, that’s probably not true.

The paleo diet has become popular in recent years. It eliminates processed food and causes the average person to lose weight, as they consume fewer calories when they eat meat, vegetables, and fruit instead of ice cream and french fries. Unfortunately, the preponderance of “paleo recipe” books ignores the entire theory of paleo: that we were healthier in the paleolithic area, when humans had stone tools and had just figured out how to make tools out of stone.

Long story short: paleolithic man did not have cookware. So he did not have soup.

You can go looking for any one of dozens of “Paleo Soup” recipes, but my far-and-away favorite is “Paleo Crock Pot Soups And Stews.” Yes, before carving a rock with a rock to make a sharp rock and endurance-hunting a deer for twelve miles across a cold grassland, paleolithic man made sure to load up his crock-pot with tough meat, so it would be tender when he returned to his cave that evening. There’s also Paleo Crockpot Cookbook and Paleo Slow Cooker Recipes, for the discerning pre-Pleistoscene hominid.

No woolly mammoth recipes, unfortunately, despite evidence that paleolithic man hunted this species to extinction.

The listing for this leather beer holster claims that it’s for “rugged men”, but I’m not so sure about that. All the manly dudes I know just set their beer on the ground, or a patio, or a rock, or a table if they’re outside. None of them buy a special beer-bondage setup and tuck their shirt into their dad jeans to show it off. Maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong crew. 

These rules are asinine. I have rewritten the top 10 rules for dating my daughter below. They supersede the previous rules.

1. Daughters cannot be created, nor destroyed.

2. No outside food or drinks. They must be purchased from my daughter.

3. An illegal attempt to deceive my daughter will be considered a balk.

4. If my daughter lands on a triple word score, multiply her by three.

5. A daughter in motion will tend to stay in motion.

6. No one may place their hands on my daughter, except for the goalie.

7. My daughter is anonymous. She is legion. She never forgives.

8. You must raise your hand to talk to my daughter.

9. The pressure exerted by my daughter is inversely proportional to her volume, if her temperature remains constant.

10. If this is your first night, you must be my daughter.