The Worst Things For Sale

The “luxury version” of Monopoly allows you to spend $199.99 in real money on a game that will drive you and your family apart. The same company makes two-hundred-buck versions of Clue and Scrabble, in case your family’s still on your side after Monopoly and you want to drive them into a blinding rage by playing ZYMURGY on a triple-word.

This whiteboard has a hole in it and a lightbulb socket behind the hole, so you can “draw your own lamp.” A lamp is about ten bucks and a whiteboard is about five bucks, so unless this is the missing piece in your Pinterest-themed house, you probably don’t need to dropso much money on it.

If you’ve ever wondered how to combine the two statements “I like the Internet” and “I hate fashion,” the Nyan Cat Seatbelt Belt is your answer.

The Australian author Jasmuheen wrote this book in 1998, and continues to tour the world to advance her theory of “breatharianism,” the idea that you can use spiritual energy to replace food. Four people have died as a result of following her instructions. Despite this, her career has continued and she published her latest breatharian book last year. She even put out an album, a bizarre mélange of sitar, trip-hop drums and new-age-themed nursery rhymes read by Mother Huffer herself.

While the first law of thermodynamics states that energy can be neither created nor destroyed, it remains silent on the topic of believing a weird old lady if she tells you that you don’t need to eat food.

The Laundry Pod washes a small amount of your clothes manually. You use a bucket to fill it with water, crank the handle around, drain the soapy water (while you crank), fill it with more water from a bucket, then crank it again to rinse and drain your clothing. Which means it’s a plastic bucket that costs $89, and reviewers say it falls apart. Besides, if you were going to perform manual labor to wash your clothes, wouldn’t you just do it in the sink? For free?

This bag of Tootsie Rolls contains 760 of the awful little turds, and I guarantee you that not one of them is going to even be unwrapped unless a diabetic man begins to go into shock and falls on the floor next to one. They’re not chocolate, they’re not hard candy, they’re not soft candy.

One reviewer notes “Took my husband 2 weeks to finish the bag.” Yeah, because he didn’t want to throw the whole thing in the trash at once, because that would make you feel bad.

But Tootsie Rolls aren’t the worst. Tootsie Roll Fruit Rolls were apparently designed by a cruel man or woman at Tootsie Roll who, as they watched the machines in their candy factory churn and thrash, thought “Tootsie Rolls taste too good.”