The Worst Things For Sale

Yeeeeessss, good kitty. Get in your $339.95 Hell Stroller. It’s time… to take a waaaaalk.

The “Grilled Pizza Cone” is perfect for the person who likes pizza ingredients, but wants a way to make sure they don’t lose any of that orange pizza grease. The low-surface-area design means the ingredients won’t get browned. They’ll be bathed in that delicious orange grease.

The manufacturer describes these as “grilled pizza cones” so I guess you’re supposed to put them on the grill. But really, if you’re murdering the very idea of pizza this badly, anything goes. Start a trash fire in an oil drum and throw the pizza cones in there and then eat the trash. We live in trash world now, this is your dinner.

This anatomical model is an “enema simulator”. Sure, nursing and medical students need to know how to do an enema. And the colon isn’t just a gross pooptube, it’s an important part of the human digestion system.

But it costs $570, which is an awful lot for a fake butt. Surely there are people who would let you do it for free, or even pay you to enemize them. If only we had some kind of global electronic network of ass freaks so we could find them.

Sometimes I’ll see a product and immediately know that someone thought of a title first, and then said “I could make a thing called that.” The book Pornogami is one of those products.

The origami in the upper-left is called “Breasts”, to give you an idea of how unsuccessful the execution of this idea turned out. You can flip through the preview of the book to see “Rope”, “Condom”, “Sperm”, “Penis” and “3-D Penis” if you don’t believe me, though.

You probably already know Kim Jong Il as being the dead ex-leader of North Korea who presided over the country’s descent into famine. But did you know he was also an author, kind of?

One of KJI’s favorite things to do was “on-the-spot guidance”, which he would give at construction sites, communal farms, factories, or movie sets. He’d show up and give them Kim Jong Il Pro Tips, which were accepted readily by everyone, because the alternative was to be killed immediately, or worse, sent to a labor camp with their entire family, tortured for years, and then killed.

Living in a bubble of his own making, KJI took the praise of his advice to mean that he really was a genius, especially in cinema, and wrote this book to get his great movie ideas into writing. Bizarrely, you can still buy it online.

A lot of bar accessories are sold with the idea of “This is what they do in a REAL bar!” But the “Shot Tender” cannot make that claim, because bartenders set their bottles of liquor right-side up just like everyone else.

It could be that pouring your booze through a plastic table-clamp does something special, but I’ll never know. I’m not going to put my mouth on an ice luge ($22) to drink, either. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t possible for me to drink whiskey out of a regular glass in my house by myself, I probably wouldn’t drink at all. Call me what you want, I can’t hear you over how quiet and dignified my liquor is.

This bumpy carpet is over $1,300. Perfect for the design aficionado who appreciates great design, but not enough to not put a shitty TV on top of a stack of magazines in his empty white apartment.