The Worst Things For Sale

Obviously, there are better ways to rid your computer of viruses and spyware than this non-branded $99 software DVD. But do they have a picture of a woman biting a computer? No, they don’t.

There are a billion new-agey heal-y energy things online, so I try to only pick the worst. I feel that “Pocket Crystal” deserves special attention. Not for its crystal powers, or lack thereof, but for the fact that the manufacturer claims that they don’t just send you any crystal, but instead, ask the crystals which one wants to be yours. I’m not kidding – read the description.

Even if running an electric current through your facial muscles caused them to grow or tighten (it doesn’t, not in any permanent or long-term manner) you’d still have wrinkles. Those happen in your skin, not your muscles, as it loses flexibility over the years.

Wrinkles are the body’s natural sign that you are getting good at fucking, so you probably shouldn’t try to iron them out in the first place.

The “Little Green Pouch” is a 4-pack of six-ounce pouches. It costs $20, and it is labeled “Reusable food pouch.”

I have some reusable food pouches in my house right now, as a matter of fact, but they’re not these. They’re called Ziploc bags and they do not cost $5 each.

I don’t care how many eggs you eat a day. You just don’t need an Egg Genie. Everything in your kitchen can cook an egg. The stove, the microwave, the coffee maker, the toaster oven, probably the toaster.

If you can’t cook an egg with the appliances and accessories available in the regular American household, the problem lies within. Close your eyes… your internal life is in black and white. You’re always messing up the eggs. You drop the eggs. You shake your head. Maybe you do need this fucking egg tub.

This is a cute idea in theory. Sure, you can make your own cookie dough, or you can make your own fake cookie dough (without eggs) and then use it to craft intricate recipes. Wow, cookie-dough doughnuts! Cookie-dough pizza!

The problem is that if you like to sit around and eat cookie dough, you will not ever make a recipe. You have already established that cutting a plastic weiner of premade cookie dough onto any pan and then leaving the pan in the oven for twenty minutes is too much work for you.

In the interest of fairness, though, this might be a fun book to read while you’re squeezing two thousand calories of liquid fat and sugar into your face from a plastic tube.

The movie “Sandy Hook Lingerie Massacre” came out in 2003. While the coincidence of an actual real-life massacre in the same town is creepy, it’s significantly less worse than the bevy of items that have popped up in the past month to profit off of the 2012 mass murder, such as car ribbons, wristbands, and my personal least-favorite, the book “Jesus, Why Did You Let Those Kids At Sandy Hook School Die?”